Colossus
by Kaori-chan
Summary: Hello there, Zelda fans! Here is yet another new Zelda TV show from an author you've probaby never heard of, Kaori-chan (AKA me ^_^ )!!! Join your favorite Zelda characters for a thrill-packed adventure in the Desert Colossus! WHOA! This is gonna be
1. Oh no! Not another spoof of yet another ...

1 Colossus: A fanfic by Sheik  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda. Nor do I own the "Survivor" television series, or anything else related to it, or mentioned in this fic. You will understand later. Also, I did not steal your idea. If you want to use it, please ask me. And review this story. I am open to suggestions as well.  
  
  
  
¤ Whew! ¤ What a disclaimer! It's my weirdest one yet! Anyway, this fic is kind of a spoof of the "Survivor" television series. Well, as I always say, enjoy this story, and review!  
  
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(As the show opens, we see a large maze of adobe buildings all linked together. A troop of all-female guards clad in deep crimson walk to and fro all over the grounds. At the very top of the huge complex stands a lone woman with bright red hair, her white clothes contrasting sharply with her dark, tanned skin. Gold jewelry gleams on her arm and neck in the brilliant sunset. The camera zooms in on her, then rotates for a beautiful profile shot against a stunning sunset.)  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
Survivor.  
  
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see the woman in white, only this time she is standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. The camera zooms in on her and she addresses the camera. )  
  
Woman: Greetings. You are witnessing history in the making. For the first time since who knows when, outsiders are entering this sacred desert, but this time they are on a different mission. These people have been selected from the many people who wished to embark on this journey, but only one can truly be called the Colossus Survivor. I, Nabooru, shall both your guide and theirs while these mighty citizens of Hyrule and beyond must learn to improvise, adapt, and survive in the desert. And as this show was not pre- recorded, both the contestants and you, the viewer, will decide who stays and who goes. We will address that later on. But now, it is time for you to meet our honored guests:  
  
(Cheesy game show music starts up, and out of nowhere Nabooru has produced a turquoise sequin blazer and put it on. She is no longer standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple, but on a horribly tacky game show set, with pink and yellow neon lights flashing everywhere. Behind her is a giant TV monitor, on which we see the exact same image as is showing up on camera. )  
  
Nabooru: Ladies and gentlemen, our first guest is an odd choice indeed. She comes from a faraway paradise, where sun, swimming, and being swallowed by bloated deities are daily occurrences- put your hands-er, fins-together for Princeeeeeeeeeessssssss Rutoooooo!!!!!!!  
  
(Ruto walks onstage wearing what looks like a cropped-off tube top and matching mini-skirt, both made out of the material that Zora Tunics are made out of. She waves to the audience, which isn't really there, and takes her spot on the stage.)  
  
Ruto: Hello, everyone! Hi, Dad! If you see this, it means that you finally learned how to work the TV! Congratulations!!!  
  
Nabooru: Well, erm, yes, that's great. Well, our second contestant comes from a place where he was always an outsider, and now is ready to throttle the very thing he wanted most:  
  
Say "Wassup" to the very Hero of Time himself, Link!  
  
(Link walks onstage wearing a muscle shirt made of the Goron Tunic Fabric, black board shorts with orange and red flames flaring up from the bottoms of the legs, black basketball shoes, white socks, and a read bandanna tied pirate-style replacing his usual green cap. His hair, as usual, is falling in his face. Link flexes his muscles, and a few teenage girls whom appeared out of nowhere immediately swoon. Link walks up next to Ruto, still winking and flexing.)  
  
Link: Yeah! I'm all fired up! Let's get this show started!  
  
(The girls who swooned have all gotten up and gathered around behind Link, who hands each a gold rupee. The girls immediately run off towards the new Hyrule SuperMall.)  
  
Nabooru: -_-' Well, anyways, let's move on. Our next contestant comes from a very influential family in the very center of Hylian fame and fortune, give a red-hot welcome to Zelda, Princess of Hyrule!!!  
  
(Zelda runs onto the stage very exuberantly in very short olive green cargo shorts and a camo bikini top. Her hair is tied up in a ponytail underneath a camo bandanna tied like a kerchief. She is wearing white tennis shoes and has obviously been working out.)  
  
Zelda: Hey, there! (Winks and gives a peace-sign, anime-style.) Wassup, everyone? How do you like my new look?  
  
Nabooru: Very nice, dear. Very appropriate for the show. Now, let's greet our next contestant who comes from a fiery mountain engulfed in pools of boiling lava. His hobbies include dancing like a maniac and rolling downhill with explosive. Everyone give an old-I mean new-fashioned Goron welcome to Darunia!  
  
(Darunia rolls onstage looking like, well, Darunia.)  
  
Darunia: Hey! Brother! Sisters! So you're coming on this little trip too, eh? Sounds like fun!  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Indeed. Well, our next contestant comes from a sunny plateau where there is always a 50% chance of being attacked by cuccos, everyone give a warm welcome to Malon!!  
  
(Malon steps forward wearing a blue tie-dyed halter top, short jean shorts, and sneakers. Her hair is up in a ponytail similar to Nabooru's. Malon stands next to Darunia and waves.)  
  
Malon: Hey, all! I'm sure glad to be here! Let's get started!  
  
Nabooru: Soon, dear. Our next contestant is really out of this world He comes all the way from the Sacred Realm: Meet Rauru!  
  
(Rauru steps out from backstage and takes his place next to Malon. He is wearing a blue Hawaiian shirt with palm trees on it, blue knee-length swim trunks, and sandals.)  
  
Rauru: Hello, everybody! How are things going in this realm?  
  
Nabooru: Very well, I assure you. Now, our next contestant is also from the forest. She may be small, but she has a huge heart: everybody put your hands together for Saria!  
  
(Saria skips onstage wearing a green tankini top with darker green flowers on it. She is wearing matching green and white surf shorts with the same flowers across the waist- band, and flip-flops.)  
  
Saria: Hey there, everybody! (Saria winks and stands next to Rauru.)  
  
Nabooru: Hello, Saria. Now, our eighth and last, but certainly not least contestant is none other than the Royal bodyguard of Princess Zelda, meet Impa!  
  
(Impa jogs onto the stage wearing a black tank top and faded jean shorts. She is also wearing sneakers. She aims a fake punch at the camera and then goes to her place next to Saria.)  
  
Impa: Wassup? It sure is good to be here!  
  
Nabooru: Yes it is. And now that our contestants are all here....  
  
(We hear a whooshing noise and suddenly Nabooru has disposed of the blazer and is her old self again. She is standing in a room in the Gerudo's hideout, and the contestants are gathered around in a circle sitting in fold-out chairs with Nabooru at the head. Many crates, bags, and backpacks are stacked up all over the room.)  
  
Nabooru: Well, now that we have everybody, we can begin. At the beginning of this show, I mentioned a little bit about our voting system. That will work like this: The two teams that you will be divided up into will face each other in a challenge. The winner is safe until the next challenge, but the loser must go to the Spirit Temple that night for a council. There you will be forced to vote one of your own off the show, in which case they become part of the Jury which will decide the winner, so make sure not to let them know you voted for them! But not only will the team vote, you, the viewer, may also vote. Simply e-mail the producer of the show (her address is in her bio), or leave your vote in a review. Now please be warned: unless special circumstances arise, which we will tell you about, there will be NO entering the Spirit Temple at ANY TIME unless you are going to a council. Does everybody have it so far?  
  
(Everybody nods and a murmur of "mm hmm" can be heard.)  
  
Nabooru: Good. Now, there is only a little more that we must go over. Contestants: Aaaaaawwww.......  
  
Nabooru: Come on, it'll only take a little bit. Now, there will be other challenges as well that will happen at different times in the show. These will also be completed as one team against another. The winner gets a reward and the loser does not. The winner also gets one point. The points will be discussed later on in the show. Okay?  
  
Contestants: (Nods)  
  
Nabooru: There's one last thing before we start. You all were allowed to bring one luxury item, like extra food, weapons, or entertainment. However, sage powers must NOT be used unless you chose that as your one luxury, which would be the following people: Darunia and Impa. Everyone else, if you are caught using special powers, you will be kicked off the show immediately and will now be on the Jury. Now, the teams were divided to be as fair as possible. The team names will be Tresaid (A/N: tree-SIDE) and Solain (A/N: sole-AIN). Any questions?  
  
Contestants: Silence  
  
Nabooru: Good. Now I will announce the teams. As you are called, please go stand on the corresponding side of the room. If you are in the tribe Tresaid, go stand behind the blue tape on this side of the room.  
  
(Nabooru points to the viewer's left.)  
  
Nabooru: If you are in the tribe Solain, go stand behind the green tape on THAT side of the room. (She points to the viewer's right.)  
  
Nabooru: Now, the following people are in the tribe Tresaid: Zelda, Darunia, Malon, and Rauru.  
  
(The teammates shake hands, gather their luggage, and stand against the wall. Zelda seems a little upset at the prospect of her guardian not being on her team, but she keeps her mouth shut. There is no talking until the game officially starts.)  
  
Nabooru: Impa, Link, Saria, and Ruto: you are in the tribe Solain. Please go stand over there.  
  
(The teammates high-five each other, get their belongings, and go stand against the other wall. Link goes over to Malon, whom has accidentally grabbed one of his bags. Somehow he gets the point across to her using sign language, and she gives him the bag. Link then goes over to the wall and leans up against it.)  
  
Nabooru: All right then, is everybody ready to go?  
  
Contestants: (Nods)  
  
Nabooru: Good. Now, each team exit out of your door and stand at the line in your team's color. Now, as for the rest of the show, we'll be back after this brief commercial break.  
  
(The screen fades and we see a brightly lit stage at a stadium concert. There are thousands of people everywhere, all yelling, screaming, and jumping up and down. Some have glowsticks, some have signs, and some are throwing things onto the stage while burly guys in black shirts that say "STAFF" in bright yellow are picking everything up and putting it all in bins close to the instruments. Other STAFF guys are busy switching the full bins with empty ones. An elevator-type device brings the star of the show onto the stage, her fiery red hair shining due to lots of hair spray, gel, and glitter. She is none other than Malon, who is wearing a Britney Spears- type outfit, only it is much more tasteful and MUCH more modest. Standing a little to the side are the Carpenter Guys from Kakariko Village, who are dressed like a barbershop quartet. Malon waves to the crowd, the heaps of glitter and sequins on her costume shining like stars with every minute movement she makes, and begins her song. It is to the tune of the "Joy of Pepsi" song.)  
  
Malon: (Singing) The joy of fairies in your face!  
  
The joy of nagging, it's just great!  
  
The joy of hyper balls of light…  
  
And it's the joy of NA-VI YEEEEEAAAH!!!!  
  
(From here the tune of the song switches to the end of the Britney Spears Super Bowl commercial for Pepsi: the 1950s one.)  
  
Carpenter Guys: (Singing) NA-VEEEE!!!  
  
Malon: (Singing) For those who think dumb!  
  
(Malon puts on that pose that Britney does at the end of the commercial, but instead of a can of Pepsi she has a fairy in a bottle. The fans go crazy and the commercial ends. )  
  
(Outside. We see both teams all ready to go, and facing Nabooru. There is a huge crate, a map, and a compass by each team. Nabooru looks very excited and so do the many Gerudo guards that have gathered to watch the event. We see many flirting and blowing kisses to one of the cameras.)  
  
Nabooru: Well, then! Welcome back to "Colossus". All of our contestants are ready to go, so we will begin!  
  
(Nabooru signals to a guy holding a flag, who steps up to the line and stands right between the two teams. Nabooru steps up so she is in front of him.)  
  
Nabooru: Okay! Now as soon as we begin, you will be allowed to talk to your teammates. You are to work as a team to cross the Haunted wasteland and come to your camp. The first to reach camp will receive an extra surprise reward, so good luck! Now, get ready! The moment the flagbearer gives the signal, we begin. On your mark!  
  
(The flagbearer holds the flag up.)  
  
Nabooru: Get set!  
  
(The flagbearer hoists the flag high.)  
  
Nabooru: Survive!  
  
(The flagbearer brings the flag down with a sweeping, gesturing motion. Both he and Nabooru take off to watch from a safe distance. We go now to the tribe Tresaid.)  
  
(The tribe Tresaid. Zelda appears to have taken on the leadership position. Rauru is fumbling in his pack for something.)  
  
Zelda: All right, now! We're going to win this mystery prize! Malon, you get the bags and see how well you can make them into one big bundle.  
  
Malon: Right.  
  
(Malon takes a length of rope out of the crate and begins to form a net with astounding speed.)  
  
Zelda, Darunia, and Rauru: O_O!!!  
  
Malon: What? I was in the Hylian Scouts my whole childhood!  
  
Zelda, Darunia, and Rauru: Ohhhh…  
  
Zelda: Okay, then! Darunia, you and Rauru take the crate-uh…. Rauru? Rauru!? RAURU!  
  
Rauru: What!? I'm busy.  
  
Zelda: Help Darunia carry the crate.  
  
Rauru: No need to.  
  
Zelda: What? Hey, what's that you've got there?  
  
(Rauru has found what he was looking for in his bag. He puts on a huge triumphant grin and holds up…)  
  
Zelda, Darunia, and Malon: A GAME BOY!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
(Malon has finished the net and drops it on the ground.)  
  
Malon: What good will THAT do!?  
  
Rauru: Ah, but this is no ordinary Game Boy. What I have here is a one-of-a- kind Game Boy Color version of the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time!  
  
Darunia: So? What are you going to do? Control us by playing that thing?  
  
Rauru: Exactly!  
  
Malon: I think I get it….  
  
Rauru: I also have here a GameShark! I attached it to my Game Boy when I was packing, so it counts as one item.  
  
Zelda: But that means….  
  
(All four contestants stop what they're doing and exchange glances.)  
  
All: MOON JUMP!!!  
  
(They high-five and Malon begins working on making the net bigger. Darunia is picking up all the wood he can find in the desert to make a frame for the net. Zelda is mapping out a course on the map, and Rauru is loading the "Moon Jump" code onto his current file of "OoT". The screen fades.)  
  
(Tribe Solain. Impa is the commanding officer here, but Link is trying to fix that.)  
  
Impa: All right, people, listen up! Those Tresaid people think they're so great, but we're going to show them!  
  
Link: Sure, sure. But we've got to work together! And that means listening to ME. Is that clear?  
  
Impa: Link! That's not the way to be a leader! Guys, don't listen to him. Listen to ME. Now, we've got to think fast. I have a---  
  
Ruto: Wait!  
  
Saria: What is it? We've got to hurry.  
  
Ruto: Look what I brought!  
  
(Ruto reaches into a huge suitcase and pulls out two gold rupees.)  
  
Link: RUPEES!? Why in Din's name did you bring MONEY to the MIDDLE OF FRIGGING NOWHERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Saria: Link, calm down! RUTO! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?  
  
Ruto: Well, I…  
  
Impa: Ruto, why did you bring money? We are going to be living in a DESERT! There aren't any souvenir shops around here!  
  
Ruto: But….  
  
Saria: All right, everybody just shut up. Enough with abusing fish-people!  
  
Ruto: Zoras.  
  
Impa: Whatever. But Saria's right. We have to concentrate on getting across. Now, Ruto. Please put away the….. Ruto? Where is she?  
  
(We notice that Ruto has mysteriously disappeared. The tribe Tresaid, Nabooru, and the flagbearer have all gone, too, and now Impa, Link, and Saria are all alone in the desert. The wind begins to pick up speed and sand.)  
  
Link: Aww, man! I almost choked to death the last time this happened!  
  
Impa: A storm! This is the last thing we need!  
  
Saria: Hey! What's that!?  
  
(Saria points off into the blur of flying sand at a flying black blotch. It is the Bombchu Guy on his carpet, but he is not alone…)  
  
Impa, Link, and Saria: RUTO!?!?!?!?!?  
  
Saria: Ha HAAA!!!! NOW I get it! Ruto, that was great thinking!  
  
Link: I can't believe it!  
  
Impa: Come on! Let's go!  
  
(They all pick up the bags, crate, and everything else and race towards the carpet. Bombchu Guy brings his carpet in for a landing and helps them all load the cargo.)  
  
Bombchu Guy: Greetings and salutations, you groovy cats! What service can I be to such groovy chicks?  
  
Link: Ahem!  
  
BG: And dude!  
  
Link: Thank you.  
  
Ruto: Just follow this map, and let us off right……. Here.  
  
(Ruto points to the spot on the map that marks the Solain camp.)  
  
BG: Can do, fish princess!  
  
Ruto: That's ZORA princess.  
  
BG: All right! You need to chill, man! Just go with the flow…  
  
(BG gestures to his carpet, which immediately rises up and takes off at an amazing speed, but the unlucky passengers soon learn what it means to be victims of BG's driving.)  
  
Link: (Holding his stomach and looking a little greener than usual) Ooog…. I think I'm gonna---  
  
Impa and Saria: DON'T SAY IT!!!  
  
Ruto: WHEEEEEEE!!! I've never felt so ALIVE!!!  
  
(Ruto has stood up on the crate and is holding her arms out, like Rose did in "Titanic". Apparently Zoras are immune to motion sickness.)  
  
(Tribe Tresaid. We see a rickety frame of a square shape with the net stretched over the middle. The crate is in the center, and Rauru is sitting on top of it, pushing buttons on his Game Boy while it bleeps annoyingly. Zelda is holding the map and compass while shouting directions. Malon and Darunia are on either side of the "hovercraft", trying to steer the thing by means of a makeshift sail made from one of Malon's luxury: spare blankets. Each has one end, and they are using the storm's winds to guide the direction of the craft.)  
  
Zelda: A little to the right…. That's it…No! Too much! Left! Left! Okay, that's good! Hold it!  
  
Rauru: A little quieter, please! This is hard!  
  
Malon: At least you get to sit down!  
  
Darunia: Malon, Malon, MALON! WATCH THE SAIL!  
  
Malon: Huh? AAAACK!!  
  
(The sail has slipped from Malon's hands, and she only grabs it just in time. However, she has overcompensated for her lunge to catch it, and she falls down onto her face. This makes the whole craft swerve left, and turn almost on its side.)  
  
Malon: OOF!!!  
  
Darunia: CRAP!!!  
  
Zelda: DARUNIA!!! LEAN LEAN LEAN LEAN LEEEAAAANNN!!!!  
  
(Darunia leans, but leans to far. The whole craft turns right, and absolutely vertical. Malon and Zelda grab Rauru and the cargo just in time. Once Rauru grabs the cargo, Zelda tackles Malon and manages to right the craft.)  
  
All: Aaaaaaahhhhh….  
  
(Suddenly, the craft lurches down and forward. Since Rauru had grabbed the cargo, he has forgotten to keep Moon Jumping and the whole craft begins an almost vertical nose-dive. Rauru immediately picks up the Game Boy and rights the craft, but Zelda still has Malon pinned, therefore making the whole thing swerve left again. Darunia tries to pull up, but it's too late. The craft flips over, spilling everybody and everything. Zelda, being the person farthest out, has landed the farthest away from the wreck. She picks up her face out of the sand and leans on one elbow, wiping the sand out of her face with the other arm.)  
  
Zelda: Hey, look! We made it!  
  
(Tribe Solain. The group has almost made it to camp.)  
  
Ruto: There it is! There's the camp!  
  
Link: We're going to make it!  
  
Saria: Wahooo!  
  
(The carpet is now about twelve feet away from camp and is closing in fast. BG brings the carpet in for a neat landing about six feet from the edge of camp.)  
  
BG: Well cats, this is it! I've gotta go sell my wares: gotta make money in this world, man! Peace!  
  
(Link and Impa grab the crate while Ruto and Saria carry the bags. Ruto had paid BG when she convinced him to give them a ride. After every parcel is off the carpet, BG takes off and flies like the wind-and against it-off toward Hyrule Castle Town. The group races forward and drop their burdens. They just begin to unpack when they notice Nabooru standing there watching them.)  
  
Nabooru: Congratulations!  
  
Link: You mean…  
  
Saria: We won…  
  
Impa and Ruto: The secret prize?  
  
Nabooru: That's right! You won a giant supply of Poe-B-Gon!!!  
  
(A/N: See Hyrule: Caught on camera!)  
  
(All four crash down, anime-style.)  
  
Impa: Poe-B-Gon!?!?!? What kind of stupid prize is that?  
  
Nabooru: Sorry, but it was either that or the Lizalfinator.  
  
Saria: Well, we get what we get! At least we won! Right, guys?  
  
Ruto: Yeah!  
  
Impa: I suppose…  
  
Ruto: What about you, Link?  
  
(Link doesn't answer. He is busy banging his head against the crate and muttering.)  
  
Link: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I can't believe…… all that work…..Stupid prize…..Why did I…… advertising contract….. motion sickness….worthless…..  
  
Nabooru: Well, that's all for this episode! Remember to tune in next time for Colossus: A Hylian Survival Adventure!!!  
  
(The screen fades out and we see glimpses of various scenes from the show as the credits roll. The song we heard at the beginning of the show is playing now, as it is the show's theme song. At the end, we see the Production Company's logo for about a millisecond, and the show ends.)  
  
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Well, that's all for this episode! Be sure to review and tell me what you think, or to make a suggestion. I will always take your suggestions into consideration (if I ever get any), and if I use your idea, I WILL give you credit, so be sure to sign your review! I'll "see" you next update! 


	2. Day One ¤OR¤ Frank the Snail and Magical...

Colossus: A Fanfic by Sheik  
  
Disclaimer: Do books have copyright pages in front of each chapter? NO! If you actually WANT to see a disclaimer, go to chapter one. I will not say this again. EVER. Except in my bio, so I don't have to repeat it. There you go.  
  
And, here's the one thing that anyone will think of when someone talks about me: REVIEW!!!!  
  
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¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
Survivor.  
  
  
  
  
  
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Hello, and welcome back to Colossus: The show where we put totally different people in a barren wasteland with little food, barely any water, and practically torture them with stupid challenges, all in the name of entertainment!  
  
  
  
Reader: -_-` (Silence.)  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Now, it's been awhile since we last saw our two little "families", so let's go see what they're doing. But first, let's hear a little bit from our sponsors!  
  
  
  
¤ The screen fades out, then goes totally black. Suddenly we are greeted head-on with a barrage of flashing lights, the glows of TV screens, bleeps, beeps, printers printing, and of course, the sound of someone dropping a very expensive piece of equipment and then shouting all over the store about it. A forklift drives by piled up with a computer, monitor, and all sorts of various components, followed by a very happy salesman and a very worried customer. Apparently the poor Hylian doesn't know how to say "no". ¤  
  
Customer: Are you sure I can afford all this? All I wanted was a handheld organizer!  
  
Salesman: Of course you can! At HyliaTronics, Inc., you can afford anything: THAT'S how low our prices are! Now let's go over here, and we'll get you suited up with our Customer Rewards Credit Card!  
  
  
  
Customer: I don't want a credit card!  
  
  
  
Salesman: Of course you do! Everybody wants a credit card, or two, or ten, or a hundred! Just come over here and fill out this form.  
  
  
  
¤ The salesman leads the customer over to a counter and hands her a long piece of paper that reaches down to the floor.  
  
Customer: It says here that I need a HyliaTronics MegaCard to get a HyliaTronics MegaCard!  
  
  
  
Salesman: That's right! Of course, you can use your building permit, too.  
  
  
  
Customer: I don't have a building permit. I'm an actor, not a contractor!  
  
  
  
¤ Another salesperson comes up, this time a woman who appears to be the manager of the store. ¤  
  
Woman: Hello, there! Do you need electronics, office supplies, or building permits? Then you need to come to HyliaTronics, Inc.! We have anything you'll ever need: including a great credit card that you can only use in our store! Come on over, and one of our expert sales associates will tell you everything they know about what you need and want!  
  
  
  
¤ Cut to a shot of a very baffled customer looking at the digital cameras. Seeing a saleswoman walk by, the customer stops her and interrogates her on a certain camera. ¤  
  
Customer: Excuse me, can you help me with this?  
  
Saleswoman: I'll see what I can do! ^_~  
  
Customer: What does this particular feature do? And what would I use it for?  
  
  
  
Saleswoman: I don't even know what that is.  
  
¤ Return to the shot of the store manager. She is handing a huge bag of office supplies to a young man who isn't even sure he wants all of it. ¤  
  
Manager: Remember: HyliaTronics, Inc. has you covered for every possible situation: We'll even watch the kids for you!  
  
  
  
¤ We see a shot of a bright room with bright yellow wallpaper and red carpeting. The so-called babysitter is engrossed in a magazine: Young Impressionable Hylians Magazine. ¤  
  
BabySitter: Must…..buy….. Must max out all credit cards….  
  
¤ A large group of Toddlers and Kindergartners are seated in front of a huge TV, all watching a purple Stalfos by the name of "Stalfie" dance and prance while holing a credit card and a bouquet of daisies instead of a sword and shield. Everybody else is deeply immersed in various issues of Young Impressionable Hylians Magazine. ¤  
  
Stalfie: Hello, kids!  
  
All young Children: HI, STALFIE!!!!!!  
  
Stalfie: Are you ready to have some FUN!?  
  
AYC: YEAAAAAAHHH!!!!  
  
Stalfie: Okay, then!  
  
¤ Horrible cheesy music comes on. It sounds like a bad mixture of Barney, theme songs from various citcoms, and a horribly out-of-tune music box. ¤  
  
Stalfie: (Singing)  
  
All you need is stuff, stuff, stuff!  
  
If you buy then it's enough!  
  
You can be happy simply by  
  
Buying things! Oh my, oh my!  
  
So come on now, and shop with me!  
  
It's as fun as fun can be!  
  
Stalfie and AYC: (Singing)  
  
So COOOOOOOOMMMMMMMEEEE,  
  
AND SHOP WITH MEEEEEE!!!!  
  
IT'S AS FUN AS FUN CAN BE!!!  
  
YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY IF YOU DON'T,  
  
YOU WON'T BE COOL I-IF YOU DON'T!!!  
  
SO COME ON NOW AND SHOP WITH ME,  
  
IT'S AS FUN AS FUN CAN BE!!!!!  
  
¤ The commercial ends, and we return to the show. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Welcome back! Now, I hope you enjoy this episode!  
  
¤ Tribe Tresaid. The group has just arrived at camp. ¤  
  
Zelda: Hey, look! We made it!  
  
Malon: Huh? Why, so we did!  
  
Darunia: Did we win? Did we win? Didwedidwedidwedidwe!?  
  
¤ Darunia jumps up and down excitedly, disturbing Malon from concentrating on the pain in her head from being tackled so hard. ¤  
  
Malon: Ooohhh….  
  
Rauru: Do you see Nabooru anywhere? Then no, we didn't win. It's not my fault you couldn't operate a sail!  
  
  
  
Darunia: Hey, that's harder than it looks! And besides, I didn't see you doing any of the steering: Why were you the one who got to jump the Desert?  
  
  
  
Rauru: Excuse me, but I thought you Gorons were supposed to be strong. If you weren't as big as the sail itself, you could have steered it on your own!  
  
  
  
Darunia: WHAT!?  
  
  
  
Malon: My head…..  
  
  
  
Zelda: Hey, hey, HEY! Come on now! We decided on these jobs to make it easier: each of us was best suited to a different task!  
  
  
  
Rauru: You mean YOU chose. All you had to do was boss everybody around!  
  
  
  
Zelda: I was the NAVIGATOR!!! That's a very hard job!  
  
  
  
Malon: Owww…..  
  
  
  
Darunia: Yeah, she's got a point there. You studied maps and all that for years, didn't you, Sister?  
  
  
  
Zelda: That's right! ^_^  
  
  
  
Rauru: You mean "Yeah, right." Who studies MAPS for years and years?  
  
  
  
Malon: Why is everybody fighting? It's not anybody's fault that we crashed, we just need to learn to work like a team!  
  
  
  
Rauru: I'm sure you know a lot about that, miss mishap!  
  
  
  
Malon: That was an ACCIDENT!  
  
  
  
Darunia: Come on, she's right. We have to stop fighting!  
  
  
  
Zelda: Well, I'm not getting involved. It wasn't my fault everything got all messed up!  
  
  
  
¤ With that, everybody starts screaming and yelling at each other. The screen faces out as we see the beginnings of a fistfight. ¤  
  
¤ Tribe Solain. Nabooru has just left and Link has stopped banging his head on the crate. The group is trying to decide where and how to set up camp. ¤  
  
Ruto: What about here? Or maybe over here? What about this place over here? Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Look over here! A snail!  
  
Link, Saria, and Impa: -_-'  
  
Ruto: Preeetttyyyy…….  
  
Link, Saria, and Impa: -_-''  
  
Ruto: I think I'll call you Frank! Hello, Frank!  
  
¤ Link, Saria, and Impa all crash down, anime-style. ¤  
  
¤ Later on in the day. Impa is helping Link set up his luxury item: a large, two-room tent. ¤  
  
¤ A/N: They DO make those, believe me! My friend had one in her yard once when her relatives came over! ¤  
  
Impa: This is sure a bug tent, Link. Couldn't you have gotten a smaller one?  
  
Link: I could have, but I wanted the two rooms. That way, if anyone ever needs some privacy, they can go in the other room without disturbing anybody.  
  
  
  
Impa: That's a great idea!  
  
  
  
Link: Thanks. ^_^  
  
  
  
¤ Meanwhile, Saria is applying her luxury, sunscreen- SPF 9,000; of course. She is talking to Ruto, whom is absolutely taken by "Frank". You see, Ruto had a snail for a pet when she was a child, and she thinks that Frank is the reincarnation or Buttercup the snail. ¤  
  
Saria: I really don't think you should keep that snail, Ruto. We'll have to take care of it, and we barely have enough supplies for ourselves as it is. And if it got away, you'd be heartbroken!  
  
  
  
Ruto: I'm willing to take that chance for my beloved Frank! I just hope that Daddy doesn't think we're having escargot for dinner, like what happened to Buttercup!  
  
  
  
Saria: Oh, my goodness!  
  
  
  
Ruto: La de da….. I love you, Frank!  
  
  
  
Saria: Of course, you do. Now, could you please help me put this on my back?  
  
  
  
Ruto: Sure! Frank, do you want to help? ¤ She speaks in a high-pitched voice. ¤ Of course I do!  
  
  
  
¤ Ruto slicks the bottom of Frank's foot with sunscreen and lets it loose to crawl all over the poor Kokiri's back. Unbeknownst to Ruto, however, is the fact that Saria has been afraid of snails ever since Mido put one in her hair as a valentine. ¤  
  
Saria: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHH!!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEEEEE!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
¤ Saria runs off shrieking and screaming, while Ruto pauses to wonder what happens, then realizes who is riding on Saria's back. ¤  
  
Ruto: Hold on, Frankie dear! YOUR BELOVED ZORA PRINCESS IS COMING FOR YOU!!!  
  
  
  
¤ Meanwhile, Link and Impa are celebrating a job well done on putting the tent together when Saria runs by with Frank still sticking to her back. ¤  
  
Saria: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA……..  
  
Link and Impa: O_O?  
  
  
  
¤ And then, when it possibly couldn't get weirder, it does. Ruto runs by screaming as if Stalfie were around. ¤  
  
Ruto: HOLD ON, FRANKIE! I, RUTO, SHALL RESCUE YOU FROM MY FRIEND'S BACK! I'M COMING FOR YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Link and Impa: O_O?????????????????????  
  
  
  
¤ Tribe Tresaid: The fistfight has stopped, and we see a shot of Zelda sitting on a log in front of some desert-type and tropical plants. A sprinkler is going in the background. ¤  
  
Zelda: It's only day one and we're already breaking up. This CAN'T be good. I mean, if we aren't united, then how can we possibly win any challenges? In my opinion: Tresaid is finished if we don't pull together.  
  
  
  
Mysterious Voice: What do you think about your teammates?  
  
  
  
Zelda: They're all great, and they all have their weird points, too. Take Darunia.  
  
  
  
¤ We see a shot of Darunia dancing like a maniac. The camera pulls out and we see that Malon is absentmindedly humming Saria's Song to herself as she unpacks the crate. ¤  
  
Zelda: He is very rambunctious, but don't get me wrong: that isn't necessarily a bad thing. He's so charismatic that we can't help but stop fighting and admire him!  
  
  
  
MV: You got all this from a few hours?  
  
  
  
Zelda: Such is Darunia.  
  
  
  
MV: Ah. But what about the others?  
  
  
  
Zelda: Malon and I have been best friends since childhood. We promised that we wouldn't let this come between us no matter what; I just hope that both of us can keep that promise.  
  
  
  
MV: So you doubt even your best friend?  
  
  
  
Zelda: Oh, not at all! I just know what competition can do to friends and families. I've seen it before; I just hope that Malon and I don't have to live it.  
  
  
  
MV: And what about Rauru?  
  
  
  
Zelda: ¤ Sigh…¤ Rauru. He's… well…. Rauru. He was very ingenuitive with the Moon Jump technique, but he's too…well…. cranky. He seems upset at every little thing, and it can get annoying.  
  
  
  
¤ We see a shot of Rauru opening a bag of CHEEZ-E PUFFS that he got out of the crate. ¤  
  
Malon: HEY! Those need to last a long time! C'mon, SHARE!  
  
Rauru: No. You were too slow in getting them.  
  
¤ Rauru sticks his tongue out at Malon, prompting her to grab the bag and stomp on his foot REALLY hard. ¤  
  
Malon: NEVER tick off a Lon Lon Rancher. We are all blackbelts in Tae Kwon Do, so we're ready for ANYTHING. From horse thieves to CHEEZ-E PUFFS hogs!  
  
  
  
¤ Malon stomps off, leaving Rauru to lament over a bruised foot. ¤  
  
  
  
Rauru: Oooohhhh….  
  
  
  
¤ Return to the shot of Zelda by the plants. ¤  
  
  
  
Zelda: I think Malon will keep him in line, though….Hehehe….  
  
  
  
¤ Tribe Solain: The first challenge has arrived, thanks to Kaepora Gaebora. ¤  
  
  
  
Ruto: Look up in the air, guys! What is that?  
  
  
  
Saria: It looks like….  
  
  
  
Link: OH NO!!! IT'S THAT STUPID OWL!!! SAVE US!!! SSAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVEEEEE UUUUUUSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
¤ Kaepora comes in for a landing right on top of Link's tent and drops a letter into Impa's hands. ¤  
  
Kaepora Gaebora: Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Fine day, isn't it? Head southwest and you'll reach the Spirit Temple! You may find a couple surprises, too! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!  
  
  
  
Impa: We don't WANT to go to the Spirit Temple.  
  
  
  
KG: Hoot! Hoot! Don't be so sure! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!  
  
  
  
Link: WHAT are you talking about!?  
  
  
  
KG: Read the letter! Oh, and by the way…challenge……….careful! ………dangerous……..blah blah blah………goodness……..fly away………oh my!…………Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!………jgdkhgak…….dgfadgtdgry………… sgftsryg ………….artgazrgtza……s.fsdt…….hdyz……fdhytux……..stggrtz….. blah blah blah………….  
  
  
  
Link, Saria, Ruto, and Impa: ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz…..  
  
  
  
¤ Just as KG is wrapping up, the whole group starts awake. ¤  
  
  
  
KG: Do you want to hear what I said again?  
  
  
  
All Solain: NO!!!!  
  
KG: You're so smart! I'm off to Tribe Tresaid! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!  
  
¤ KG takes off, causing the whole tent to collapse. ¤  
  
Link and Impa: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
¤ Tribe Tresaid: Zelda is reading the challenge to everybody. ¤  
  
Zelda: Beware, ye tribes  
  
Of twists and turns  
  
And Dead-end paths!  
  
For the time has  
  
Come, you must race,  
  
Or your tribe  
  
Will be missing  
  
A face!  
  
Malon: It's a race! We've got to run through a maze!  
  
Rauru: Well, duh…..  
  
Darunia: This should be fun!  
  
Rauru: It would be more if I didn't have a BROKEN FOOT!!!!!  
  
Malon: Ahhh…hehehe…. Yeah, sorry about that.  
  
Rauru: Whatever. I wanted CHEEZ-E PUFFS!!!  
  
Zelda: After the challenge you can have as many as you like.  
  
Rauru: YAY!  
  
  
  
¤ The group grabs walking sticks they found on the ground and take off towards the Spirit Temple. At the same time, Solain has left too. The two groups converge about ten yards from the steps of the temple and continue the rest of the way in silence. Once they ascend the steps, they spread out into a nice little arc: Malon, Zelda, Darunia, Rauru, Link, Ruto, Saria, Impa. Nabooru emerges from inside the Spirit Temple. She has a sun visor on and sunscreen is on her nose. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Hello, and welcome to your first immunity challenge! Since you all figured out the riddle, I don't need to tell you that you will be racing through a maze. The first one out wins immunity from the first council. Does everybody understand?  
  
  
  
¤ Everybody nods ¤  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Good. Now please get behind me.  
  
  
  
¤ The group splits and goes behind Nabooru: Tresaid one way, and Solain the other. ¤  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Here we go!  
  
  
  
¤ Nabooru raises her hands in the air and looks upward. The two tribes follow her gaze. The hands of the statue in the front of the Temple begin to glow orange. Each sends down a beam of energy into a ball of bright orange magical energy floating there in Nabooru's hands. Once all of the magic is in the energy ball, the hands of the statue stop glowing. Nabooru brings her arms down in front of her and opens them wide. The energy shoots out in a huge ray and forms two mazes with crystalline glowing orange walls. Nabooru claps her hands once: Adobe walls form inside the orange crystal; again: The crystal breaks into thousands of minuscule points of light and vanishes. ¤  
  
Both Tribes: O_O  
  
Nabooru: What? Sage powers!  
  
BT: Ah.  
  
Nabooru: Now, one member of each tribe has been given their magic back in order to cast Farore's Wind, which will take your tribe to the center of the maze. Then I will give the signal. After that, your tribe must ace through the maze and grab the immunity idol.  
  
  
  
¤ Nabooru points to a mini Armos statue. ¤  
  
  
  
Nabooru: The first tribe to get it wins immunity. Everybody got it?  
  
  
  
¤ The group nods ¤  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Okay, then! Let's begin! Tresaid, your caster is Zelda.  
  
  
  
Rauru: Big surprise there.  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Solain, your caster is Link.  
  
  
  
Ruto: But I wanted to! CanIcanIcanIcanIcanIcanIcanICANI!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
  
  
Nabooru: No.  
  
  
  
Ruto: Awww….  
  
  
  
Nabooru: On your marks, charge up, and CAST!!!!  
  
  
  
¤ Zelda casts Farore's wind with poise and grace, and the group disappears into a shower of green lights that gracefully floats in a wide arc over to the center of a maze with a green finish line. Link casts too, but not so gracefully. The group disappears into a bunch of little green lights that bob, weave, and spiral over to the center of a maze with a blue finish line. Nabooru lifts her hands and disappears in a shower of orange sparks. She reappears hovering over the space between each maze. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Is everybody ready?  
  
¤ Both groups holler and cheer, meaning that they are. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Good. All right! ON YOUR MARK!  
  
¤ The members of each tribe wish their teammates luck. ¤  
  
Nabooru: GET SET!!!  
  
¤ The teams prepare themselves, straighten up, and a few get into a starting position. ¤  
  
Nabooru: RACE!!!  
  
¤ Nabooru disappears and reappears in the hand of the statue that has a triforce on it. She watches the two tribes from a distance, smiling. The camera dives down and plunges into one of the mazes. It follows the twists, turns, and pathways until it arrives in the center of the maze and focuses on the Tribe Solain. They are deciding how to go about this. ¤  
  
Saria: Can I lead? I'm great with puzzles!  
  
Link: I don't know. You always follow the right-hand side of the wall until you get out.  
  
  
  
Saria: Exactly! That always leads you out! Besides, it's too risky just to pick an arbitrary direction and run! If we went the wrong way, the delay would cost us immunity. What do you say?  
  
  
  
Ruto: It's worth a shot.  
  
  
  
Impa: I think it's a great idea! You have my vote, Saria!  
  
  
  
Link: You're right. Are we gonna win this?  
  
  
  
All: YEAH!  
  
  
  
¤ Saria lines the tribe up in single file as she gives directions. ¤  
  
  
  
Saria: Okay. Everybody follow me. Hold hands, like this. I'll call out directions. When I say "One!" step with your left foot. When I say "Two!" step with your right foot. I will tell you if a turn is coming up by saying "Left!" or "Right!" Does that make sense?  
  
  
  
All: Yep!  
  
  
  
Saria: Okay, let's go!  
  
¤ She grabs Link's hand, who was the first in line. Now Saria is first. ¤  
  
Saria: Forward…..MARCH!  
  
  
  
¤ The whole group takes off. ¤  
  
  
  
Saria: One, two, one ,two, LEFT! One, two, one, two, one, LEFT! Two, one, two, RIGHT!  
  
  
  
¤ Tribe Solain: They are not having as much luck. It is all Malon can do to keep everybody from just running off. ¤  
  
Malon: Wait! Everybody follow the right-hand wall!  
  
Rauru: What kind of stupid method is that?  
  
Malon: It's a proven fact that when in a maze, if one follows the right-hand wall, it will eventually lead to the exit!  
  
  
  
Darunia: Aaaaaawwww… That takes too long!  
  
  
  
Rauru: That's right! Come on, D! Let's go!  
  
  
  
¤ Darunia and Rauru take off into the maze. ¤  
  
  
  
Malon and Zelda: WAAAAIIIITTTT!!!!!  
  
¤ Malon and Zelda take off after them. Then, a few minutes later, we see the group at a dead end. ¤  
  
Malon: I TOLD YOU! Now we're lost!  
  
Zelda: You two should've listened.  
  
Rauru: How was I supposed to know that this was the wrong way?  
  
Darunia: Yeah, it's not like we have a map or anything.  
  
¤ The group argues for several minutes, and almost come to blows, when: ¤  
  
Zelda: Argh, come on! Malon, you lead the way.  
  
Malon: Thank you! All right, everybody! Follow me!  
  
Voice of Nabooru: Time's up!  
  
¤ The mazes disappear and Tribe Solain is instantly warped back to the steps of the Spirit Temple. At this point we see a replay of Tribe Solain reaching the finish. ¤  
  
Saria: One, two, one, two, HEY! THERE IT IS!  
  
Ruto: Hooray!  
  
Link: We made it!  
  
Impa: Way to go, Saria!  
  
Saria: Now for it! Everybody run up and grab the Idol!  
  
¤ The whole group sprints out of the maze and grabs the Mini-mos. It and Saria are lifted up onto the tribe's shoulders. ¤  
  
All: (Lots of cheering and yelling)  
  
Ruto: We won! We won!  
  
Link: You rock, Saria!  
  
Impa: We did it! We actually did it! I can't believe it!  
  
Saria: ¤ Laughing and even crying a little. ¤  
  
¤ Nabooru appears, also laughing. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Congratulations, Solain! You are immune to the first council!  
  
Solain: WAHOOO!!!!!!! YEAH!! WE DID IT!!!!  
  
Nabooru: Time's up!  
  
¤ Nabooru snaps her fingers and the mazes disappear. Tribe Tresaid appears on the steps of the temple, brought back by Nabooru's magic. ¤  
  
Darunia: I can't believe it!  
  
Malon: We lost! I told you people!  
  
Zelda: You should have listened!  
  
Rauru: This blows!  
  
All Tresaid: ¤ Sigh….¤  
  
Nabooru: Congratulations, Solain! Tresaid, I will see you the day after tomorrow at dusk. Come into the main room of the Temple. Okay, people! Go back to your camps!  
  
  
  
¤ Saria raises her hand. ¤  
  
  
  
Nabooru: Yes, Saria?  
  
Saria: Can you PLEASE get this thing OFF me!?  
  
¤ Saria turns around and points to her back, which still has Frank holding on for dear life.¤  
  
Nabooru: Of course, dear! What happened?  
  
¤ Nabooru rips Frank off Saria's back and puts "him" in Saria's hand. ¤  
  
Saria: Long story. Thank you!  
  
¤ Saria chucks the poor thing across the desert. It vanishes past the horizon. ¤  
  
Ruto: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
Impa: There, there, dear. Let it go.  
  
Link: You were way too attached to that thing. And you don't go around letting it crawl all over people's backs!  
  
  
  
Saria: Yeah! Don't you remember how snails freak me out? Goddesses, I hate those things!  
  
  
  
Ruto: DON'T YOU WORRY, MY FRANKIE!!!!!!! RUTO'S COMING TO GET YOOOOUUUUU!!!!!  
  
  
  
¤ Ruto takes off, only to be grabbed just in time by Impa. ¤  
  
  
  
Impa: Oh, no you don't!  
  
  
  
Link: We need to get back. Let's go.  
  
  
  
¤ Tribe Solain takes off, all happy- except Ruto, who is determined to rescue her "Frankie". She is screaming and yelling for Impa to let go of her. Link comes to Impa's aide and each one of them grabs one of Ruto's arms and almost have to drag her away. Saria is walking in front, carrying the armos. ¤  
  
Zelda: What was that all about!?  
  
Darunia: Who knows? Let's go back to camp.  
  
Malon: Yeah, let's go.  
  
¤ Rauru doesn't say anything. He is too busy fantasizing about CHEEZ-E PUFFS. Darunia taps him on the shoulder, signaling that it is time to go. Tribe Tresaid leaves to go back to camp. Nabooru is all alone on the steps of the Spirit Temple. It is as if the two tribes were never there: it is sunset, and not even their footprints remain. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Well, a lot happened today. Friends were made, and were they lost as well? We will find out next time on……  
  
  
  
¤ Nabooru spreads her arms out wide, and the camera pulls out remarkably fast. Now we see the entire Spirit Temple. We can hear Nabooru calling across the desert. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure!  
  
¤ Credits roll against a shot of the tribes going back to camp as the theme song plays. After a few minutes of this, the screen goes black and the show ends. ¤  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
GAAAWWL, these take forever! Well, at least I got it up, right? Since Spring Break is coming up, I'll be able to update more often. Yay! ^_^  
  
Anyways, I have another episode before we find out who's leaving: Malon, Zelda, Darunia, or Rauru: Who is the (un)lucky contestant?  
  
¤ Remember: I won't reveal who's off until I get enough votes to make my decision! E-mail me at the address found in my Bio, or leave your vote in a review. Either way, your opinion counts! We wouldn't want another election of 2000, would we!? ^_~  
  
As always, I'm Sheik, asking for YOUR opinion and YOUR suggestion. I'll "see" you next time when I update, so until then…..  
  
Vynafamm! Ihdem fa saad ykeyh.....  
  
For all you non-Final Fantasy X players, that is in a language called Al Bhed. And for all you Al Bhed Illiterates, this is what it means:  
  
~ Farewell! Until we meet again….. 


	3. The Return of Frank? ¤OR¤ Everybody Has ...

Colossus  
  
A FanFic by Sheik  
  
Disclaimer: What did I tell you?  
  
  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤  
  
  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
Survivor.  
  
  
  
  
  
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Greetings. Last time on "Colossus", we witnessed the first immunity challenge: and some possible rivalry between certain members of Tribe Tresaid.  
  
¤ Cut to scenes from the last episode ¤  
  
¤ We see a shot of Rauru opening a bag of CHEEZ-E PUFFS that he got out of the crate. ¤  
  
Malon: HEY! Those need to last a long time! C'mon, SHARE!  
  
Rauru: No. You were too slow in getting them.  
  
¤ Rauru sticks his tongue out at Malon, prompting her to grab the bag and stomp on his foot REALLY hard. ¤  
  
Malon: NEVER tick off a Lon Lon Rancher. We are all blackbelts in Tae Kwon Do, so we're ready for ANYTHING. From horse thieves to CHEEZ-E PUFFS hogs!  
  
¤ Malon stomps off, leaving Rauru to lament over a bruised foot. ¤  
  
Rauru: Oooohhhh….  
  
KG: Read the letter! Oh, and by the way…challenge……….careful! ………dangerous……..blah blah blah………goodness……..fly away………oh my!…………Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!………jgdkhgak…….dgfadgtdgry………… sgftsryg ………….artgazrgtza……s.fsdt…….hdyz……fdhytux……..stggrtz….. blah blah blah………….  
  
Link, Saria, Ruto, and Impa: ZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzzZZZZzzzz…..  
  
¤ Just as KG is wrapping up, the whole group starts awake. ¤  
  
KG: Do you want to hear what I said again?  
  
All Solain: NO!!!!  
  
KG: You're so smart! I'm off to Tribe Tresaid! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot!  
  
¤ KG takes off, causing the whole tent to collapse. ¤  
  
Link and Impa: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
Zelda:  
  
Beware, ye tribes  
  
Of twists and turns  
  
And Dead-end paths!  
  
For the time has  
  
Come, you must race,  
  
Or your tribe  
  
Will be missing  
  
A face!  
  
Malon: It's a race! We've got to run through a maze!  
  
Rauru: Well, duh…..  
  
Darunia: This should be fun!  
  
Rauru: It would be more if I didn't have a BROKEN FOOT!!!!!  
  
Malon: Ahhh…hehehe…. Yeah, sorry about that.  
  
Rauru: Whatever. I wanted CHEEZ-E PUFFS!!!  
  
Saria: One, two, one, two, HEY! THERE IT IS!  
  
Ruto: Hooray!  
  
Link: We made it!  
  
Impa: Way to go, Saria!  
  
Saria: Now for it! Everybody run up and grab the Idol!  
  
¤ The whole group sprints out of the maze and grabs the Mini-mos. It and Saria are lifted up onto the tribe's shoulders. ¤  
  
All: (Lots of cheering and yelling)  
  
Ruto: We won! We won!  
  
Link: You rock, Saria!  
  
Impa: We did it! We actually did it! I can't believe it!  
  
Saria: ¤ Laughing and even crying a little. ¤  
  
¤ Nabooru appears, also laughing. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Congratulations, Solain! You are immune to the first council!  
  
Solain: WAHOOO!!!!!!! YEAH!! WE DID IT!!!!  
  
Nabooru: Time's up!  
  
¤ Nabooru snaps her fingers and the mazes disappear. Tribe Tresaid appears on the steps of the temple, brought back by Nabooru's magic. ¤  
  
Darunia: I can't believe it!  
  
Malon: We lost! I told you people!  
  
Zelda: You should have listened!  
  
Rauru: This blows!  
  
All Tresaid: ¤ Sigh….¤  
  
Nabooru: Congratulations, Solain! Tresaid, I will see you the day after tomorrow at dusk. Come into the main room of the Temple. Okay, people! Go back to your camps!  
  
¤ The montage ends, and we see Nabooru again. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Well, it's time for a commercial break now, so bye!  
  
¤ Beautiful ocarina music can be heard. A camera pulls up the stairs in the Sacred Forest Meadow and zooms in on Saria. ¤  
  
Saria: Oh, hello there! You know, I've gotten a lot of compliments about my ocarina playing….  
  
¤ Cut to a shot of Mido listening to Saria play outside the Kokiri Shop. ¤  
  
Mido: When are you going to just give that up, Saria?  
  
¤ We see Saria thwacking Mido on the head with her ocarina and we go back to the shot of Saria in the Meadow. ¤  
  
Saria: So that's why I've decided to start hosting ocarina lessons right here in the Sacred Forest Meadow!  
  
¤ We see a shot of a couple unfortunate Hylians trying to enter the forest to apply for lessons: we see a bright flash of light and the two new Skull Kids run off to learn how to play the flute instead. ¤  
  
Saria: So when you want to learn how to play the ocarina, take it from me, Saria: you had better have a fairy with you!  
  
¤ The commercial ends, and we see that Nabooru is inside the main room of the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
(A/N: Thanks to Jessica Brittany Queen of Red Dragons for the great idea! You rock!)  
  
Nabooru: Well, it's time to see what our tribes out up to, so until further notice, I'm on break!  
  
¤ Nabooru walks off camera and can soon be heard kicking a soda machine. ¤  
  
  
  
DAY TWO  
  
¤ Tribe Solain: Ruto is deeply mourning the loss of her precious Frank while, between futile attempts to console her, Link and Impa are helping Saria reassemble the tent after the KG incident. ¤  
  
Link: Listen, Ruto: it was just a snail. You'll find another.  
  
Ruto: I DON'T WANT ANOTHER!!!! I WANT MY FRANKIE-POO!!!  
  
¤ Ruto starts bawling her eyes out as Link returns to the tent situation. ¤  
  
Saria: Poor girl, I really feel bad.  
  
Link: Then tell her that.  
  
Impa: It might help her to hear that you're sorry for what you did.  
  
Saria: You're right.  
  
¤ Saria walks up to Ruto and sits down. ¤  
  
Ruto: (Still sobbing)  
  
Saria: Ruto, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what I did.  
  
Ruto: (Still sobbing)  
  
Saria: It was really mean and I had no right to do so. Can you forgive me?  
  
¤ Ruto quiets down, and even though she it still sniffling, she is now able to talk. ¤  
  
Ruto: No, it's okay……I think I'm finally getting over him, and I guess I deserved it, with the whole snail-on-the-back thing. Sorry about that.  
  
Saria: It's okay. Let's go help the others put up the tent.  
  
¤ While the members of Tribe Solain, things in Tribe Tresaid aren't going so smoothly, and there seem to be the beginnings of an alliance to get rid of Rauru. ¤  
  
Zelda: I'm not sure which one of us he's against, if it's even a single person.  
  
Darunia: He called me fat! And weak!  
  
Zelda: No, he didn't.  
  
Darunia: He implied it! That's worse, you know.  
  
Malon: Yeah, I can see how that….  
  
¤ Malon notices Rauru leaning in the shade of a nearby palm tree, munching on yet more CHEEZ-E-PUFFS. ¤  
  
Malon: HEY! THAT'S MY SHARE!  
  
¤ Malon runs over to Rauru, who, remembering his foot, takes off lightning. The following scene is strange, comical, and almost pathetic: Malon is chasing Rauru in circles around the entire camp. ¤  
  
Zelda and Darunia: O_O  
  
Malon: GET BACK HERE, YOU GEEZER! GIVE ME MY CHEEEEZZZZZ-EEEEEEEEEE PUUUUUUFFFFFFSSSSSSSS!!!!!!  
  
Rauru: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!  
  
Zelda and Darunia: O_O?!  
  
Darunia: Well, one or the other: just get rid of ONE of them!  
  
¤ Nightfall of day two; Tribe Solain. ¤  
  
Link: Good night, everybody!  
  
Saria: * YAWN * I'm tired!  
  
Ruto: Poor Frankie, out there all alone….  
  
¤ Impa whistles Zelda's Lullaby, and all four are asleep within minutes, except one very intrusive little creature. ¤  
  
Saria: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!  
  
Link: SARIA! What's wrong!?  
  
Saria: GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
¤ Impa reaches over and pulls something off of Saria's leg; a something which immediately grabs Ruto's attention. ¤  
  
Ruto: OH, MY FRANKIE-POO!!! YOU'VE RETURNED! I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T FORSAKE YOUR PRECIOUS FISH- I MEAN, ZORA PRINCESS!!!  
  
The rest of Solain: ¤ Collective groan. Saria leaves immediately upon hearing the name "Frankie-poo". ¤  
  
¤ Tribe Solain, sunset. Zelda is off hunting Like-Like with her luxury: a bow and some arrows, Darunia is lighting a fire in the sand with his sage powers, and Malon is making clay and trying to fashion some sort of plate- type things. Rauru is by the plants and the sprinklers, as he is sharing his opinion of his teammates. ¤  
  
Rauru: They're up to something; I know it. They're acting way too suspicious: all I wanted was to have some CHEEZ-E PUFS! Everybody has the right to eat junk food!  
  
¤ The screen fades and we see a mysterious Sheikah against the sunset. The camera zooms in to reveal Sheik (as SHE appears in the game), AKA me! ¤  
  
Me: I know, I KNOW! I said I wasn't going to update until I got enough votes, but consider this a stroke of fortune: I get more reviews right after I update, so that means I'll (possibly) get more votes faster!  
  
And by the way, the Sheik in the game is how I will appear in all of my fics, unless I say otherwise: Sheik IS a girl, people! Play Zelda until you beat the water temple, then go to Kakariko Village.  
  
You will hear a lot of Sheik's voice then, and I GUARANTEE you that that is a female voice. Now GO VOTE! 


	4. Snail Madness!!! And, The 1st Council-Pr...

Colossus  
  
A Fanfic by Sheik  
  
Dis--- Wait. Go to chapter one and you will see all the disclaimerization that you want.  
  
Hiya! Okay, REALLY sorry for the lack of updates, but you see, I have been braindead lately (and to tell the truth, I still am), and combined with a nasty case of writer's block, that is the worst thing that can happen to an author, especially me. Why? I keep wanting to write, and I end up staring at a blank computer screen for an hour! HELP!  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
Survivor.  
  
  
  
  
  
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Bombchu Guy standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
BG: Salutations! Nabooru has been having some problems with the soda machines in the employee lounge, so I'll be your host until we get that sorted out.  
  
Voice of Nabooru: Come ON, you #@%!*&*#$@#%$#@!& piece of junk! WORK!!!  
  
¤ We hear many loud crashes and other violent noises coming from somewhere off camera, followed by a barrage of soda cans flying everywhere. BG grabs one of these and opens it, pointing it in the direction from which the noises came. ¤  
  
BG: Cool it, you groovy chick!  
  
Soda Can: FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Voice of Nabooru: ARGH! MY BEST T-SHIRT! YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT, YOU STREET MERCHANT!!!!  
  
BG: Whuh-oh! Well, it looks like our soda machine problem has been fixed, so I'll be moving along now! Ciao!  
  
¤ BG takes off followed by a very angry, soda-drenched, Nabooru (Wearing a T-shirt, of course). More violent noises can be heard. ¤  
  
Voice of BG: Hey! Cut that out!  
  
Voice of Nabooru: We'll be right after this commercial break!  
  
¤ The screen fades out and we can hear a faint beat that continually gets louder: it is none other than the "Macarena". There is no scenery, only a white background. There are backup dancers that are all doing random dance moves and singing. An announcer guy walks up holding a microwave meal of some kind. All the dancers sing to the tune of the "chorus" of the "Macarena". ¤  
  
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!  
  
Announcer: You've seen her around, but who knew that this quiet Kakarikan was such a great chef?  
  
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!  
  
Announcer: These great Cucco-lady meals are nutritious, delicious, and economicalistic!  
  
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!  
  
¤ The cucco lady from Kakariko village walks onto the "set" and holds up a plate of delicious-looking food. Her brand of meal, of course. ¤  
  
Cucco Lady: Hello there, I'm the cucco lady from Kakariko village. My new line of microwave dinners is sure to be a hit! My cuccos are fed only artificially-flavored food pumped up with steroids to give you the juiciest, plumpest cucco you can find! And now, introducing our 1,000 year line: so full of preservatives, it's guaranteed to last at least 1,000 years!  
  
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!  
  
CL: So go to your local supermarket and pick some up!  
  
Dancers: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY CUCCO LADY!!!  
  
¤ The commercial ends, and we return to the show. ¤  
  
¤ Tribe Solain: The group is trying to decide what to do about the food situation: apparently Ruto doesn't mind starving the camp for the sake of her "Frankie-poo". ¤  
  
Ruto: Oh, Frankie! You just love Cheez-E-Puffs, don't you?  
  
Link: Ruto, I'm hungry! Give us some for a change!  
  
Ruto: But then my Frankie will starve to death!  
  
Impa: Ruto, listen. You've got to let that thing go. It's survived perfectly well in the desert until now, and besides: you've used up a whole day's worth of rations in a matter of minutes! I'm afraid that unless you let that thing go or stop feeding it, you'll have to give up your share.  
  
Saria: It's not fair that we have to starve because of that thing. It's enough that I'm in such close proximity to it! I think I'll go refill the canteens.  
  
Link: I just filled them this morning! They're full!  
  
Saria: Not anymore.  
  
¤ Saria points to the pile of empty canteens. Frank has just received a luxury bath. ¤  
  
Link and Impa: -_-'  
  
¤ Tribe Tresaid: The group's morale seems to have gone up after eating something, and Rauru has agreed to only eat Cheez-E-Puffs if he will share with the rest of the group. The group is sitting by the campfire with "plates" of rice and rotisserie-style Leever. ¤  
  
Malon: Wow, Darunia! I never knew you could cook!  
  
Darunia: Well I couldn't have cooked without something to work with!  
  
Rauru: This is much better than eating Cheez-E-Puffs all day!  
  
Zelda: I'm just glad Rauru helped me find my arrows!  
  
¤ Suddenly, something lands in Malon's plate. ¤  
  
Malon: Ack!  
  
Zelda: What the heck?!  
  
Darunia: It's a snail!  
  
Malon, Zelda, and Rauru: A SNAIL?!  
  
Reader: What the---?  
  
¤ We hear a familiar female voice screaming, continually getting nearer. ¤  
  
FFV: I'M COMING, MY PRECIOUS FRAKNIE-POO!!! YOUR FISH---ah, erm……… ZORA PRINCESS IS COMING FOR YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!  
  
¤ Everybody stands up, trying to see whom the voice is coming from. Soon Ruto comes sprinting over as if wild Dinalfos were chasing her. ¤  
  
Ruto: FRANKIE! I'M HERE!!!  
  
Zelda: RUTO?! What in Din's name are you DOING here?!  
  
Ruto: I came to get my Frankie! (¤ To Frank ¤) Auntie Saria has quite the arm, doesn't she? Duszsh't shze?!  
  
¤ Zelda rolls her eyes. ¤  
  
Malon: You better get out of here!  
  
Darunia: If you're found here you could get kicked off, or worse!  
  
Rauru: Now go away. We're eating here!  
  
Ruto: Really?! What are you eating?  
  
Zelda: None of your business. Now go back to your camp.  
  
¤ Ruto leans over so that her face is almost directly in Darunia's plate. ¤  
  
Ruto: Mmmmmmm….. This smells great! Can I have some? Thanks!  
  
¤ Ruto grabs all four plates and runs off. ¤  
  
Zelda: RUTO!!! GET BACK HERE WITH OUR FOOD!!  
  
¤ Zelda runs after Ruto and manages to grab one of the plates from Ruto, who immediately slaps it out of Zelda's hand. The plate goes flying and lands… ¤  
  
Darunia: …..Right. In. The. Fire!!! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!  
  
Ruto: Ah…………..oops. Bye!  
  
¤ Ruto runs off, leaving Tresaid to lament over a lost meal and an extinguished fire. ¤  
  
¤ Tribe Solain: Ruto has run off in search of Frank. Link, Saria, and Impa are making sure that Frank never eats Cheez-E-Puffs again. EVER.  
  
Impa: It's been so long since I've tasted real food!  
  
Saria: It's been so long since I've been away from that snail!  
  
Link: Sixth hourth?  
  
¤ Link's mouth just happens to be full, and getting fuller by the second. ¤  
  
Saria: That's disgusting!  
  
Impa: Chew with your mouth closed!  
  
Ruto (Voice): Oh, Frankie-poo! Here we are, back at camp! How about some nice Cheez-E-Puffs to go with our new meal?  
  
Saria and Impa: Eep!  
  
Link: Eepth!  
  
¤ Link stashes the Cheez-E-Puffs in his bag and everyone goes into the tent, acting as if they were asleep. At that moment Ruto comes walking up. ¤  
  
Ruto: Hey, where are the Cheez-E-Puffs? 


	5. The First Council! duuun! Duuuun!! DUUUU...

Colossus  
  
A FanFic by Sheik  
  
See chapter one. Yeah.  
  
Well, I got the chapter situation worked out. Instead of chapters four and five being the same exact thing, THIS is chapter five! Yay!  
  
Oh, and---  
  
REVIEW!  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
  
  
(As the show opens, we see a large maze of adobe buildings all linked together. A troop of all-female guards clad in deep crimson walk to and fro all over the grounds. At the very top of the huge complex stands a lone woman with bright red hair, her white clothes contrasting sharply with her dark, tanned skin. Gold jewelry gleams on her arm and neck in the brilliant sunset. The camera zooms in on her, then rotates for a beautiful profile shot against a stunning sunset.)  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
Survivor.  
  
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. The camera zooms in on her and she addresses the camera. )  
  
Nabooru: Hello, and welcome back to Colossus: The Hylian Survival adventure! In our show, contestants must have strategy, endurance, and strength in order to win the show and be called the TRUE Colossus Survivor. To bad none of our contestants fit that description!  
  
Contestants (Voices): HEY!!!  
  
Nabooru: WHAT?! Its true!  
  
Link (Voice): Can't argue with that….  
  
Ruto (Voice): True, true….  
  
Zelda (Voice): Even if we did, she'd probably get us kicked off the show…  
  
¤ A loud crashing noise can be heard as all contestants, sans Zelda, crash down anime-style. ¤  
  
Nabooru: o_O?! Anyways, our first Tribal Council will be held this evening at sundown. Since both Tribe Tresaid and I have preparations to make, I will leave you to our commercial break with these words: Get out your credit cards! Bye!  
  
¤ The screen fades out, and as it fades back in we can see Sheik (a.k.a. ME) sitting on top of the drawbridge leading into Hyrule Castle Town. She (I?) jumps down and begins talking to the camera. ¤  
  
Sheik: Hello there! Now, how many of you enjoy great music, especially when it's a parody of even better music? Well, I do! And that's what I'm here to talk about. Several comic relief-style bands have lately been invading Hyrule with their music, and now, for the first time ever, those songs are being put onto one huge compilation album! Check out some of our great hits!  
  
¤ We see a shot of a giant pool party going on behind Hyrule Castle. There are mostly girls, but Link is there too. There is a band playing on a stage by the pool:  
  
¤ Malon on lead vocals and electric guitar  
  
¤ Ruto on electric guitar  
  
¤ Zelda on bass guitar  
  
¤ Nabooru on drums  
  
¤ Saria on Keyboard  
  
(To the tune of "Pretty Fly for a Rabbi" by Weird Al)  
  
Zelda:  
  
  
  
Hyrule has had a lot of  
  
Hero guys in the past,  
  
But all of them were wimpy  
  
And none of them would last!  
  
  
  
Malon:  
  
  
  
But this new guy's a toughie,  
  
Not just a sales trick:  
  
Our people he would die for;  
  
He can fight with a stick!  
  
  
  
¤ The screen fades out and we go to the next scene. ¤  
  
¤ We see a single spotlight shining down on a black grand piano. All else around it is dark. Link walks up to the piano in his toughest Hero-guy outfit and begins to play and sing to "The Saga Begins" be Weird Al Yankovic, or "Miss American Pie" by that one guy whose name I do not know. ¤  
  
Link:  
  
  
  
A long long time ago  
  
In a memory far away,  
  
Hyrule was under an attack!  
  
I thought me and this princess gal:  
  
A hero and this girl royale  
  
Could stop this evil man with heart of black!  
  
His response, it didn't thrill us:  
  
Him and his monsters tried to kill us!  
  
Got those three glowing rocks  
  
And I lost all my good socks!  
  
I fell asleep for seven years  
  
Because of that man's evil fears  
  
That I would stop his evil scheme!  
  
That's when I woke up mean!  
  
  
  
¤ The spotlight widens a little and we see Nabooru playing an acoustic guitar. ¤  
  
  
  
Nabooru:  
  
  
  
Well my, my, mister Linky-poo guy!  
  
He's the greatest of the heroes doubtless of his small size!  
  
He left his home and told Saria good-bye, saying:  
  
"Soon I'm gonna be a tough guy!  
  
Soon I'm gonna be a tough guy!"  
  
  
  
¤ Next song! ¤  
  
  
  
(To the tune of the 1st chorus of "Attack of the Radioactive Hamsters" by Weird Al)  
  
  
  
¤ We see a shot of out of space, then the camera dives down, through the atmosphere, to Hyrule Field, down a street, and into a garage, where we see none other than a garage band. ¤  
  
¤ Link is on lead vocals and electric guitar  
  
¤ Malon is on electric guitar  
  
¤ Zelda is on electric bass guitar  
  
¤ Darunia is on drums  
  
¤ Saria is on keyboard  
  
  
  
  
  
All:  
  
Attack of the radioactive cuccos  
  
From-a someplace not far!  
  
A race from a nearby place,  
  
They came in UFOs shaped just like luxury cars!  
  
  
  
¤ The montage ends, and Sheik (now in the Back Alley) begins talking again. ¤  
  
Sheik: I don't know if anyone can live without this priceless collection, so you had better not take that chance. Order your copy today!  
  
¤ The commercial ends and We see Nabooru's entire (as in we can see her whole body) profile against the breathtaking Gerudo Valley sunset. A little line of torches approaches as the Tribe Tresaid prepares to vote one of their own off. ¤  
  
Nabooru (Voice): The time hath come. Come hither, O Tribe, and face thy destiny. Art thou prepared to face thy cruel fate?  
  
Tresaid (Voices): We are.  
  
Nabooru (Voice): Then enter, ye star-crossed ones. Tonight, fate's cruel judgment shalt be thine!  
  
¤ A stone door blocking the entrance to the Temple moves, resulting in a loud grinding noise. Nabooru and the Tribe enter. ¤  
  
¤ The main room of the Spirit Temple. The Tribe is standing at the entrance while Nabooru is standing at the top of the little staircase in her best Sage outfit. There are many torches everywhere, their golden light glinting and dancing off the edges of the Anubis statues that stand at either side of the stair. Nabooru descends the staircase and steps aside. She then gestures to the staircase. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Enter, and sit thee down. It beeth (A/N: "bee-eth") our first meeting, yet in thy case 'twould be best, I deem.  
  
¤ The Tribe sits down. ¤  
  
Zelda: Um, what's with the archaic speech? Come on, you're not the Great Deku Tree!  
  
Deku Tree (Voice with echo-ey effects mixed in.): HEY!!!  
  
Zelda: Eep! Sorry. -_-  
  
Rauru: Yeah, why ARE you talking like that? Even I'm not that old!  
  
Darunia: Yeah! Get with the New Wave, sister!  
  
Zelda: That's New AGE, Darunia.  
  
Darunia: Whatever.  
  
Nabooru: Geez guys, I was going for the DRAMATIC effect! Argh! I had better get this over with quickly.  
  
Tresaid: YOU?!?!?  
  
Malon: We're the ones about to vote out one of our own!  
  
Darunia: The suspense is killing us!!!  
  
Nabooru: All right, all right! See those torches behind you? The ones with the blue markings? Those are your torches. Each one has one of your names on it. If you are the one voted off, bring your torch here and I will extinguish it. Now, the one voted off is---  
  
Rauru: HEY!  
  
Nabooru: What NOW?!  
  
Rauru: We didn't vote!  
  
Malon: Yeah, don't we get a say in who stays and who goes?  
  
Nabooru: Well you do, but since your vote means practically nil when compared to that of the readers' votes, well, the author didn't want to waste your time giving you the big runaround.  
  
Tresaid: Ohhhhhh……  
  
Nabooru: So brace yourselves, everybody! The one voted out of the tribe, the one who gets the humiliating title of the first one out, the exiled member of the---  
  
Tresaid: JUST SAY IT!!!  
  
Nabooru: Darunia, sorry. But you're outta here.  
  
Darunia: Well that certainly sucks.  
  
Zelda: Sorry, D! I would have voted to keep you in!  
  
Malon: Me, too.  
  
Rauru: Hey! Better him than me!  
  
¤ The rest of Tresaid exchange hugs with Darunia, who then takes his torch to Nabooru. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Darunia, the readers have spoken. Farewell!  
  
¤ Nabooru extinguishes D's torch. Darunia then walks out of the room and into the one usually blocked off with the huge grey stone. Nabooru turns and faces the tribe. The camera is directly behind Tresaid. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Tresaid, I will see you soon. As for you, reader, I will see you at the next update of Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure!  
  
¤ The screen fades out as Tresaid files out of the temple and Nabooru walks off in order to get even with the soda machine. The Colossus theme song plays, some credits roll, most of which read "Sheik" this and "Sheik" that, and she show ends. ¤ 


	6. The Challenge ¤OR¤ The Problem With Zora...

Colossus  
  
A FanFic by Sheik  
  
MUAHAHAH! See chapter one if you can't possibly live without disclaimers.  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤ ¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
  
  
Survivor.  
  
  
  
  
  
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Hello! And welcome to Colossus, the Hylian Survival MIS-Adventure! Today we will witness a surprising chain of events in today's immunity challenge! Stick around! We'll be right back!  
  
¤ The screen fades out as Nabooru pops open a can of soda and walks off to her room in the Spirit Temple. When the screen fades back in, we see a busy scene in Hyrule Castle town. In what was once an empty shop on the second level of the town is now full of people. A sign out front has a huge picture of the Fairy Ocarina and a green fairy painted on it. We go to a shot of the inside of the building, where Saria is happily selling variations of the Fairy Ocarina, replicas of the Ocarina of Time, music books, and various "accessories" for so-called better ocarina playing. ¤  
  
Saria: Oh, hello there! I'm Saria, here with an update from Saria's Ocarina Lessons! We've gotten so popular, we've moved---right to the center of Hylian life, Hyrule Castle town! Now, with our convenient shop, you can visit anytime between the hours of 9 AM and 12 PM to get anything you need to better your ocarina playing! Come on in! We'll be waiting for you!  
  
¤ The screen fades out, and we return to the show. ¤  
  
¤ Tribe Solain: Link, Saria, and Impa are discussing the current Frank situation. In the background, we can see the Solain camp being actively destroyed as Ruto searches for food to feed to her precious "Frankie-poo". ¤  
  
Saria: ¤ Sigh ¤  
  
Impa: What are we gonna do about that girl?  
  
Link: This is DEFINITELY getting out of control.  
  
Impa: You can say THAT again.  
  
Link: This is DEFIN---  
  
Saria: Shut up!  
  
Impa: That must be the oldest joke in the book!  
  
Link: What book?  
  
Impa: THE book!  
  
Link: Where? I don't see any books around here!  
  
Saria: What Impa is trying to say is that joke is a total cliché!  
  
Link: What's a cliché? Does that book you were talking about have the meaning of "cliché" in it, Impa?  
  
¤ Saria and Impa crash down anime-style as Link continues to muse about "The Book". Ruto has finally discovered the reserve rations that Link and the others had buried under the sand and is now attempting to cook it. Too bad Zoras are major pyrophobics…. ¤  
  
¤ Tribe Tresaid: Darunia's absence is beginning to get to the tribe members. Malon and Zelda seem to be rather upset, but Rauru couldn't be happier. ¤  
  
Zelda: Man, this fire went out again!  
  
Malon: Crap! I don't see how this keeps happening! We're doing it just like Dad and I do back home!  
  
Rauru: Isn't it great not to have that huge creature around anymore? We'll finally have some peace and quiet and Cheez-E-Puffs and….  
  
¤ Malon and Zelda glare at Rauru, whose face and hands are accusingly orange. ¤  
  
Rauru: Sheesh! I'm free to have my own opinion, you know! Why, back in the Sacred Realm, when you're all alone, it seems that no one cares about you enough to visit, and then you come here, and nobody listens! It's enough to kill somebody!  
  
¤ Rauru looks about ready to cry, and so do the girls. They immediately get up and catch Rauru in a huge Goron-style group hug. ¤  
  
Zelda: Rauru….I…….  
  
Malon: We had no idea you felt this way!  
  
Malon and Zelda: WE'RE SORRY!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!  
  
¤ Both girls begin crying on the spot as anime-style tears stream in huge arcs from their eyes. Meanwhile, Rauru is cracking up. ¤  
  
Malon: What's so funny?  
  
Zelda: What, did we tickle you or something?  
  
Rauru: WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!  
  
You guys are TOO EASY!!!!!  
  
WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHA!!!!!  
  
¤ Rauru walks away, laughing his head off, while the two girls are left there standing dumbfounded. ¤  
  
Malon: What are we gonna do with him?  
  
Zelda: Oh, several ideas come to mind…..  
  
Dramatic Fanfare: dun! Dun!! DUUUUUUUUN!!!!!  
  
¤ A large package falls from the sky, hitting Malon square on the head. ¤  
  
Malon: OW!! What the---?!  
  
Zelda: Look! It's a message! It must be about our next challenge!  
  
Malon: OOH! OPEN IT! OPEN IT!  
  
Zelda: I would, but it's taped shut!  
  
Malon: Here.  
  
¤ Malon hands Zelda and arrow. ¤  
  
Zelda: Ooh! Thanks! Good thing I brought these, huh?  
  
Malon: Yeah! What's inside?  
  
Zelda: Hold on! Gimme a sec!  
  
¤ Zelda uses the head of the arrow to cut the tape on the box, revealing some cans of soda, paper plates, and various kinds of junk food. ¤  
  
Malon and Zelda: OMIGOSH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!  
  
Zelda: Wait…………shouldn't we tell Rauru?  
  
Malon: After how he ditched us?  
  
Both: NO WAY!!!!  
  
¤ They begin to dig in, when--- ¤  
  
Rauru: HEY! WHAT IS THAT?!  
  
Malon: EEP!  
  
Zelda: It's a something to do with our challenge! Look, we saved some for you!  
  
¤ Zelda tosses Rauru a can of diet soda and a bag of Cheez-E-Puffs. Rauru, seemingly satisfied, walks off to enjoy pigging out in peace. ¤  
  
Zelda: Phew! I thought he'd never leave!  
  
Malon: You can say that again!  
  
Zelda: Phew! You can---  
  
¤ The Spirit Temple: the two tribes have gathered for the second immunity challenge. Nabooru is standing in the doorway of the Temple, while the contestants are gathered on the steps. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Greetings, contestants, and welcome to your second immunity challenge. I trust you are all feeling up to it?  
  
¤ Tresaid seems okay, and Ruto is ecstatic. The rest of Solain, however, couldn't be more tired AND hungry. After all, Ruto got all the food and all the bedding: she couldn't sleep at all if her precious Frank didn't have a king-sized bed in the tent. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Well, I'm sure you'll wake up once you find out what our immunity challenge is!  
  
Malon, Zelda, Impa, Saria, and Link: IS IT AN EATING CONTEST?!?!?!?  
  
Nabooru: No. It's--- well, I guess I had better show you.  
  
¤ Nabooru snaps her fingers and the whole group is instantly warped to the canyon area in Gerudo Valley, and it is MUCH bigger than it looks. Set up across the canyon, pretty far down the river and away from the bridge is a wobbly tightrope with none other than Rauru's hovercraft floating around beneath it, piloted by none other than Bombchu Guy. ¤  
  
Rauru: HEY! My Game Boy is on that!!! Give it back!  
  
BG: (Shouting) No! I need it to pilot this thing!  
  
Rauru: WHAT DID YOU SAY?  
  
BG: (Shouting louder) I NEED IT TO PILOT THIS THING!!!  
  
Rauru: WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!  
  
Nabooru: You'll understand later, Rauru. I promise your Game Boy will be safe.  
  
Rauru: ¤ mumblemumble ¤ Ok…….  
  
Nabooru: ALL RIGHT!!!! YOU GUYS CAN COME OUT NOW!!!  
  
¤ From inside the Gerudo's fortress come many scantily clad Gerudo women; from the Hyrule Field entrance to the valley come several Kokiri children armed with slingshots, a few bomb-wielding Gorons, a whole bunch of Deku Scrubs, and the Cucco lady from Kakariko Village followed by the carpenter guys carrying suspiciously violently-shaking crates. Next, from the highest walls of the canyon, far above the contestants, come about a dozen or so Zoras, all wielding boomerangs, at various places around the valley so that they have it surrounded from above. Finally, about six Octoroks pop up from the water below. ¤  
  
All contestants: WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE TRIFORCE IS THIS ALL ABOUT?!?  
  
Nabooru: This is your challenge, of course! EVERYBODY, TO YOUR PLACES!!!!  
  
¤ The entire group of newcomers, sans the Zora who are already in their places, scatter to various points in the valley: Cucco Lady and the carpenters are on the bridge, and the others are in random points in the valley. ¤  
  
Saria: Wait a minute, what are the Kokiri doing here? I thought they couldn't leave the forest!!!  
  
Nabooru: They gained permission from the Deku Tree's sprout, just like you did.  
  
Saria: But I'm the Sage of the Forest!!! I don't NEED permission! It's just……understood that I can leave!  
  
Nabooru: Whatever. But the point is, they were allowed to leave and now they're here. Okay?  
  
Saria: Yeah. Sure, sure.  
  
Nabooru: Now, this challenge is a test of your agility, balance, and your ability to kick REALLY hard. This is how the game will work:  
  
One contestant from Tresaid will stand on this side of the rope, and one contestant from Solain will stand on THAT side of the rope on the other side of the canyon. When I say to go, both contestants will walk, or however you want to get across, out to the middle of the rope and stop at the red line. Then you will have to get down and hang by your arms or hands or whatever and play a game of "Chicken". Bombchu Guy will catch you, so don't worry if you fall.  
  
But that's not all! You have to dodge various obstacles. Dodging it will result in getting points, and getting hit will result in losing points. Both dodging and getting hit will result in the same amount of points either awarded or taken away. Here is how the points match up:  
  
Deku seed: 1 point  
  
Deku nut: 2 points  
  
Boomerang: 3 points  
  
Octorok rock: 4 points  
  
Bomb: 5 points  
  
Cucco: 10 points  
  
The winner of the game of chicken will get 20 points, and the loser gets nothing. Falling off the rope for reasons other than losing the chicken game will result in a penalty of 15 points. There will be three matches. At the end of all three, the points will be calculated and the tribe with the most points wins.  
  
Link: What does that have to do with FOOD?!?  
  
Nabooru: I'm not finished! Let me talk! As I was JUST ABOUT TO SAY, the loser of the game gets a lifetime supply of Cheez-E-Puffs.  
  
Rauru: O_O!!! WHERE ARE THEY?!?  
  
Nabooru: You'll find out soon enough. Either they will be in your camp, or Solain's camp. It all depends on who wins and who loses.  
  
Rauru: Oh…..  
  
Nabooru: Now, Solain, since you have four members and Tresaid has two, you'll need to have one of your members sit out.  
  
Saria: I'll sit out. I definitely won't have the advantage in the chicken part.  
  
Link: But you're the smallest! You can dodge all the obstacles the easiest!  
  
Impa: That's where all the points lie!  
  
Ruto: Where's Frank?  
  
Link: I'll sit out. I never was good at that game, and Mido loved to rub it in my face. I'm not sure if I'd really want to play all that bad ever again.  
  
Saria: Are you sure?  
  
Ruto: Has anyone seen Frank?  
  
Link: I'm positive. Go get 'em, you guys!  
  
Impa: If you say so. I'll do my best!  
  
Saria: Me too!  
  
Ruto: OMIGOSH! I LEFT HIM BACK AT CAMP!!!  
  
¤ Ruto begins to run off towards camp, only to be grabbed by the arm by Impa just in time. ¤  
  
Impa: Oh no, you don't! We need you here to play! We need to win immunity!  
  
Ruto: But….but….  
  
Saria: No buts! He'll be fine!  
  
Ruto: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! I WANT MY FRANKIE-POO!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!  
  
Link: Someone shut her up!  
  
Saria: Ack! What a horrible noise!  
  
¤ Impa somehow manages to cover Ruto's huge mouth. With her other hand, she grabs the whiny Zora's hands and pins them behind her. ¤  
  
Impa: QUIET.  
  
Ruto: Mmmfmm mfmfmfmfmfm!!! Mmmmmffff!  
  
Solain: WHAT?!?  
  
Impa: Oops!  
  
¤ Impa uncovers Ruto's mouth. ¤  
  
Ruto: THANK YOU! I SAID, Okay! I'll stay!  
  
Saria: That's a relief!  
  
Link: You guys win this!  
  
Impa: Will do!  
  
All Solain: LET'S DO IT!!!  
  
Nabooru: Well, it appears we're out of time for this show! Click in next time when we come back with Colossus: the Hylian survival adventure!  
  
¤ The theme song plays, the credits roll, and in the background, as the camera pulls out, we see the contestants getting ready to participate in the challenge. The screen fades out, and the show ends. ¤  
  
Heh…..Sorry I didn't get the challenge posted this update, but I think that this chapter is long enough as it is, don't you? Anyways, start thinking about who you want to vote out, like a person from each tribe or something like that. Remember: you can only vote once per council so make it count! I'm Sheik, telling you to review this story and watch for updates. See ya! 


	7. The Challenge ¤OR¤ The Tribute Chapter

Colossus A FanFic by...KAORI-CHAN! (Formerly Sheik) Not even gonna say it this time. How do you like the new pen name? Hehehe..Well, I'm not dead, and I finally got a chance to write some more! Enjoy!  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
Survivor.  
  
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Hello, and welcome to the next installment in a psychotic parody fic of a really old TV show! Last time we learned what the challenge for immunity is, and today we will watch our poor contestants actually attempt to survive this inhumane form of entertainment!  
  
¤ Nabooru snaps her fingers and we hear a whooshing noise as the camera pans incredibly fast. When it stops, Nabooru is standing in the Canyon area of Gerudo Valley. We can see the contestants preparing themselves for the challenge ahead. That is, except Link, who is wearing a green MALE cheerleader's outfit and waving various signs around that say things like "LET'S GO, SOLAIN!!!" and "(Insert catchy slogan here)". ¤  
  
Link: WOOHOO! GO, SOLAIN! YAAAAAAAAY!"  
  
Rauru: That kid has problems.  
  
Zelda: You can say that again!  
  
Malon: That kid---  
  
All Solain: DON'T SAY IT!!!  
  
Nabooru: All right, people, let's go! Line up at your starting point at the rope!  
  
¤ Each tribe, sans Link (who is still cheering and waving signs), lines up at their respective starting point. They all look somewhat nervous, except Rauru, who is fuming at Bombchu guy for using his Game Boy. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Now, you will need to line up in a certain order: First will be Zelda versus Ruto! Second, Saria versus Malon! And third will be Rauru versus Impa! Good luck!  
  
¤ All the contestants line up so that they will be in the correct order, but can still cheer their teammates on and se what's happening. Link is now only half-cheering, and when he isn't jumping up and down yelling at the top of his lungs he's staring wide-eyed and slack-jawed at the scantily clad Gerudo. ¤  
  
Nabooru: On your mark!  
  
¤ The contestants make sure they are each in a perfect line on their tribe's side of the rope ¤  
  
Nabooru: Get set!  
  
¤ All the "visitors" to the valley ready their weapons. ¤  
  
Nabooru: GO!  
  
¤ Objects start flying everywhere as Zelda and Ruto start off to the middle of the rope. The air is thick with cuccos, bombs, Deku seeds, rocks, boomerangs, and Deku nuts as Zelda is almost to the middle of the rope. Ruto, however, is about two feet out and jumping begins to seem like a good option to her as she is being bombarded with various obstacles, as they might be called. ¤  
  
Malon: GO ZELDA! YIPPEE!  
  
Link: Go Ruto. Whee.  
  
¤ Link waves his hand at Ruto in a very non-enthusiastic way just as a Gerudo comes over to flirt with Link. ¤  
  
Gerudo: Hi there.  
  
Link: Hello..Ah.I'm LiiIIIII-MMMPH!!!  
  
¤ The Gerudo has grabbed Link and started to make out with him while Ruto stands there looking scared. Apparently Gerudos don't get much male attention. Link somehow gets away from the liplock and begins to talk to the Gerudo. ¤  
  
Link: Hey, now slow down! I'm not really one to rush into a big commitment! And I have a girlfriend!  
  
(A/N: He's talking about Syrie from "Hyrule: Caught on Camera!")  
  
Several Gerudo: What?!  
  
¤ Apparently these Gerudo are really into "mature" guys like Link (Yeah, right! Link, MATURE?!), and have rushed over and gathered around Link. ¤  
  
Ruto: ¤ Whining ¤  
  
¤ Ruto is standing exactly two and a half feet out onto the rope while Zelda is waiting impatiently in the middle while trying (very successfully) to dodge the projectile "missiles" being aimed at her. All of a sudden, Ruto is knocked off the rope by several objects. ¤  
  
Ruto: AIEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Everybody else: RUTO!  
  
¤ All the flying objects stop as Bombchu guy expertly guides the hovercraft to where he expects Ruto to fall. In about one tenth of a second, Ruto lands right on top of BG with a crash. After some confusion, BG brings Ruto back to the edge of the canyon, safe and sound. He then goes back to his original position. Zelda, relieved both that Ruto was safe and she "won", returns to Tresaid's side of the rope. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Good try, Ruto! I'm sorry Tresaid, but since you didn't actually get to the "chicken" part of this round, nobody gets the points. NEXT!  
  
¤ Saria and Malon race out onto the rope, both doing excellent jobs at dodging the things flying at them, although Malon, not being quite so small as Saria, gets hit a couple times. Nabooru, who is acting as the scorekeeper, is writing furiously on a bright pink clipboard trying to keep up with the massive amounts of scoring going on. ¤  
  
Tresaid: GO MALON! GO MALON!  
  
Solain (sans Link): GO SARIA! GO SARIA!  
  
Link (To the Gerudo women): You know, beating Ganon was a piece of cake! I barely broke a sweat!  
  
Zelda (Under her breath): That's not how I remember it!  
  
¤ Meanwhile, Malon and Saria are at the "chicken" part of the round. With one final swoop, Malon defeats Saria as the little Kokiri girl begins to fall. ¤  
  
Malon: OH, NO!  
  
¤ Faster than anyone can stop her, Malon reaches down and grabs Saria by the hand and pulls her back up. The whole canyon erupts in cheers. ¤  
  
Nabooru (Jumping up and down): Unbelievable! Ten extra points to Malon for helping out an opponent!  
  
Zelda: WOOHOO! GO MALON! YIPPEE!  
  
Rauru: Oh, what was that? Malon won? Yay.  
  
¤ While the rest of the group is cheering, Rauru sneaks off. Much yelling can be heard in the background, and Rauru comes back with his Game Boy in hand. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Rauru? Oh, there you are! Come on, it's your turn next!  
  
¤ Rauru quickly shoves the Game Boy in his pocket and walks up to the rope. ¤  
  
Rauru: I'm ready! Bring it on, Shadow girl!  
  
All: o_O;  
  
Impa: I'm ready for you, Light wuss!  
  
Nabooru: Huh?? Um....yeah. Sure. GO!!!  
  
¤ The two of them start off and everything seems to be going well until a huge gust of wind picks up. Impa crouches down low and grabs the rope with her hands, but Rauru is not so lucky. He looses his balance, begins to sway, and finally falls off the rope. ¤  
  
Tresaid: RAURU!  
  
Nabooru: Don't worry, Bombchu guy will--- WAIT A MINUTE, WHERE'S BOMBCHU GUY?!?!?!?  
  
Bombchu Guy (Running up): He wouldn't listen! He stole the game boy! The hovercraft is useless now!  
  
Dramatic Fanfare: dun! Dun!! DUUUUUN!!!!!!  
  
Zelda: We've got to do something!  
  
¤ Zelda's right hand begins to glow with the triforce symbol as she runs to the edge of the canyon. She reaches out to Rauru and he immediately stops in midair. ¤  
  
Rauru: O_O Hey, I'm not dead! Yippee!  
  
¤ Zelda brings in Rauru for a safe landing back on solid ground as Nabooru gathers all the contestants and other....participants in the challenge. ¤  
  
Nabooru (Looking worried): Well, the score WAS Tresaid: One hundred thirty- three and Solain: Twenty-four.  
  
¤ All Solain members glare at Ruto. ¤  
  
Nabooru: BUT, considering recent events---  
  
¤ Everybody looks at Zelda ¤  
  
Nabooru: ---things may change. Either we kick Zelda off the show for using her powers when not allowed, Tresaid loses the challenge and goes to the council, or Solain goes to the council because Tresaid won in the first place.  
  
¤ Everybody begins arguing and yelling various things at one another while poor Nabooru just stands there covering her ears. ¤  
  
Malon: Wait, wait, wait, wait, WAAAAAAAAIT!  
  
¤ Everybody stops and stares at Malon. ¤  
  
Everybody: WHAT?!  
  
Malon: The rules said we're not allowed to use SAGE powers. It didn't say anything about TRIFORCE powers! Therefore you have no right to kick Zelda off the show!  
  
Random voice #1: Yeah, she's right!  
  
Random voice #2: There's no difference! She's a sage, too!  
  
¤ Everybody begins arguing AGAIN. This time, it's Nabooru who puts an end to the fighting. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Well, there's nothing left to do. We'll have to call in the judges.  
  
Everybody else: The judges?  
  
Nabooru: Yes, the judges. If we can't solve a problem on the show, the judges rule what we should do! COME ON OUT, EVERYBODY!  
  
¤ Gohma, King Dodongo, Barinade, Phantom Ganon, Volvagia, Morpha, Bongo Bongo, and Twinrova appear from various places, each sporting a halo. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Meet the judges.  
  
Twinrova: HEY! It's that kid who killed us!  
  
Link: ¤ GULP ¤  
  
Phantom Ganon (In a British accent): Now now, can't we get past all that? So what if we're dead? It's much better than being evil!  
  
Bongo Bongo: Who wants tea?  
  
Gohma: SHUT IT! We've got a job now!  
  
Morpha: Excuse me, miss easiest-to-kill-of all the bosses in Ocarina of Time!  
  
(A/N: I have to admit, inspiration for the bosses' argument came from Galaxy Girl's Big Brother Darunia fic. PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT ME, GG! Think of it as a little tribute to a fave fic of mine! Hey, they do it in anime!)  
  
All (Except the judges): SHUT UP!  
  
Nabooru: You guys have major issues. But don't solve them here. We need you to solve an issue of OURS right now.  
  
¤ Nabooru explains to all the judges what the situation is. After listening, the bosses huddle up and announce the verdict. ¤  
  
King Dodongo: We declare tribe Tresaid as the official winner of the challenge!  
  
Twinrova: They won fair and square!  
  
Volvagia: It's true. The rules say NOTHING about Triforce powers being used in the game.  
  
Barinade: Until now. Triforce powers are officially forbidden from this moment on! So shut up and leave us alone about it!  
  
¤ All the judges disappear in the exact way they died, with the exception being no warp spots or heart containers appear. ¤  
  
All: o_O;  
  
Nabooru: Well, there you have it! Tresaid, the immunity idol is being delivered to your camp as we speak. And as for you, Solain, your lifetime supply if Cheez-E-Puffs is also on the way.  
  
Both tribes: Yay!  
  
Nabooru: The rest of you, thank you for coming out here. You can go home now. As for you two tribes, you can also leave.  
  
Outside participants: Yay!  
  
¤ They all leave. Nabooru snaps her fingers and both tribes are instantly warped to their respective campsites. Nabooru is standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple once again. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Well, that's it, guys! E-mail your vote to Kaori-chan at hyrulechick104@aol.com with "COLOSSUS" in the subject line, or just leave your vote in a review! And stay tuned next time as we find out who gets kicked out: Link, Impa, Saria, or Ruto! Farewell!  
  
¤ The camera zooms out as the credits roll and the show's theme song plays. The screen gradually fades out as the song stops and the show ends. ¤ 


	8. Just What Drug are these Crew Guys On? ¤...

Colossus A FanFic by Kaori-chan See...chapter....one... o_o  
  
Well, well! Look like Solain is in hot water! And I know now that at least one person besides me likes Frank! Wai!!!  
  
Oh, and I recently had a reviewer not vote for who she wanted to because of Frank. Well, I talked to her and the votes are straightened out now. Vote for who YOU want out! It doesn't effect who stays and who goes, as far as NPCs like Frank and Bombchu Guy are concerned. Their fate depends entirely upon me. MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!!  
  
Anyways, here's the next chapter in..  
  
Colossus: The Hylian Survival MIS-Adventure!  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
¤ We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette. ¤  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themselves:  
  
Survivor.  
  
¤ Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis; now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Hello, and welcome back to Colossus: the only TV show in Hyrule that forces innocent (and not-so-innocent) people to survive in impossible conditions simply because we like to sit on our overstuffed couches in our climate-controlled homes and watch it on our big-screen TVs!!! I guarantee you that no other show can manipulate fragile emotions and relationships the way we can!  
  
Queue Card Guy #1: (From off camera) Nabooru! You're getting off subject!  
  
Nabooru: Oh! Sorry. What's my next line?  
  
¤ Nabooru looks for help while another Queue Card Guy (#2) scribbles something on a large piece of paper and holds it up. Nabooru squints to read the writing. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Uuuuuhhhh....  
  
¤ Nabooru leans forward more and produces a pair of glasses from her back pocket. (With pants like those, wow! Think of the storage space in pockets alone! Heh....Nabooru's pants rule.) ¤  
  
Nabooru: (Putting the glasses on) I...I love Queue Card Guy #2! He's so hot! I want to--- HEY! WAIT A MINUTE! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, BUSTER?!  
  
¤ Nabooru rips off the glasses and chases after QCG #2 while the poor guy, doomed by his own joke, tears like heck across the Desert. Just in time for...Leevers. ¤  
  
QCG #2: Ow! Ooh! CRAP! Owowowowowow!!!! HEEEEELLLLLLLP!  
  
Nabooru: MEN!  
  
¤ With one mighty swing of a heavy, jewel-encrusted double scimitar, Nabooru dispatches the Leevers and returns QCG #2 to his spot as QCG #1 is rolling on the ground in conniptions due to laughing. ¤  
  
Nabooru and QCG #2: ¬_¬  
  
Nabooro: ..Ah, queue card guy #1? We have a show to run.  
  
¤ QCG #1 doesn't listen, rather he appears not to have even heard Nabooru at all. QCG #2 hauls him off camera and tries to get him to settle down.  
  
Nabooru and camera crew: o_o  
  
Nabooru (trying to regain control of the show): Well, let's cut to a commercial break while our Queue Card Guys try desperately to salvage one another's mental stability. However I don't think that will happen anytime soon...  
  
¤ The screen fades out as Nabooru points over to the QCGs, who are both rolling on the ground in total hysterics. ¤  
  
¤ The scene fades back in again to reveal...a test pattern. ¤  
  
Reader/Viewer: What the..?  
  
Scary Computerized Voice on the TV: Do not attempt to adjust your computer monitor. This is---  
  
¤ CLICK. ¤  
  
¤ The screen goes black (?????) and we return to the steps of the Spirit Temple, where we see Nabooru talking to her stock broker. ¤  
  
Nabooru: Yes, I know how high it is right now! That's why I want to sell it!  
  
Cell phone: (Incomprehensible mumbling from the other end of the call)  
  
Nabooru: I don't care! I need that cash to pay off the debt I'm in from the Silver Gauntlets that Link stole from the temple! Do you have any idea what that costs?!  
  
Cell Phone: (More incomprehensible mumbling)  
  
Nabooru: I know I was going to steal them, but that doesn't matter! I used to have enough cash to make up the cost until SOMEBODY said I had to pay for all this Colossus crap out of my own pocket! I...uh...I gotta go. BYE.  
  
¤ Nabooru hangs up the phone and stomps on it HARD, resulting in shards of silicon, plastic, and little buttons flying everywhere. ¤  
  
Nabooru: WHERE IS OUR COMMERCIAL?!?!?  
  
¤ Apparently she doesn't know that the camera is rolling. ¤  
  
Switch Board Guy #1: I don't know! We lost the signal! And the backup tape is nowhere to be found! We had no choice but to cut back live to the Spirit..Temple...oh.  
  
¤ Nabooru looks like Death Mountain ready to erupt in a violent explosion. SBG #1 loses all color in his face. ¤  
  
Nabooru: PLAY THE FOOTAGE FOR TODAY'S SHOW!  
  
¤ SBG #2 fumbles with the film reel, struggling to get it playing immediately. ¤  
  
Nabooru: NOW!  
  
¤ Nabooru stomps off camera and the screen fades out. ¤  
  
¤ Tribe Tresaid: Rauru and Zelda are having...difficulties. ¤  
  
Zelda: Hi, Rauru! ^_~  
  
Rauru: BAH! Humbug!  
  
¤ Rauru stomps off in search of junk food. Little does he know that Malon got her share at two-thirty in the morning, resulting in the few remaining Cheez-E-Puffs to vanish "mysteriously" from camp. Hey, the guy got what he deserved, okay? ¤  
  
Zelda: o_o  
  
¤ Malon walks up ¤  
  
Malon: What's his problem?  
  
Zelda: Don't expect an answer from me! All I know is that ever since that challenge, Rauru has been acting like he hates me! He barely even steps out of my way when we're walking right towards each other!  
  
Malon: Maybe he's upset that you, who took over his former position as the Head of the Sages, a "rival" you could say, saved his life! I see it all the time. He's a classic case.  
  
Zelda: But how could I be his rival? I mean, we're on the same side, right?  
  
Malon: Yeah, but you know how his mind works. Think about it: He's locked up in the Sacred Realm for hundreds of years with nothing to do but stand on his little pedestal and listening to that horrible chanting. He finally gets some authority when the other Sages awaken, only to have you show up as the Seventh and take command! He's barely even mentioned in fan fictions, let alone the Zelda series! The only thing he does is order Link around and explain one of the biggest parts of the storyline! Whereas you get the story going in the first place! Plus he's old and cranky and can't get a date or even go on one because he has to stay in the sacred realm!  
  
Zelda: Malon, inhale.  
  
¤ Malon takes a deep breath and relaxes a little. ¤  
  
Zelda: You're right. I should talk to him.  
  
¤ Suddenly Rauru shows up, looking much like Nabooru just did a moment ago. ¤  
  
Rauru: WHERE ARE THE CHEEZ-E-PUFFS?!?!?  
  
¤ Malon is just about to reply as the scene cuts off, and we see static for a moment before going back (yet again) to the Spirit Temple. ¤  
  
Nabooru (Sighs): What NOW?!  
  
SBG #3: The tape cut off! I can't get it to work again!  
  
SBG #2: Wait a minute! Wasn't the footage we played on a film reel?  
  
SBG #3: You played that?! But I played the tape too! I thought the film reel was for backup only!  
  
SBG #4 (HOW MANY OF THEM ARE THERE?!): You must have overloaded the equipment! It'll take awhile to fix, I'm afraid.  
  
Nabooru: Well, you heard it folks! One more chance to sumbit your vote! So hurry up and send them in! There are a few ways to do this:  
  
If you know Kaori-chan, just IM her.  
  
E-mail her at hyrulechick104@aol.com  
  
Leave your vote in a review (reviews are appreciated doubtless of whether you're voting in a review or not; hint, hint)  
  
So fulfill your duty as a FF.N reader and vote for who you want kicked off the story! See ya! 


	9. The Second Council! ¤ OR ¤ Attack of th ...

Colossus: A FanFic by Kaori-chan  
  
Sorry for the lack of updates, guys! Oh, well. Here's the next chapter! Enjoy it, and don't forget to review when you're done! ^_~\/  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:  
  
Survivor.  
  
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)  
  
Nabooru: Greetings, everybody! Please allow me to be the first to apologize for yesterday's incident. We had more than a few technical difficulties, as you know, so without further ado, I proudly present:  
  
Queue Card Guys (Off camera): Today's episode?  
  
Nabooru: No, a commercial break. We'll be right back after this!  
  
(The screen fades out. As it fades back in we hear spiffy music play. It zooms in on Malon, once again wearing a modest, tasteful version of a Britney Spears-style outfit. She begins singing and, as she does, the lights, which started out as nothing but blackness around her, brighten to reveal a bright, gaudy stage lit by multicolored spotlights. As the song progresses several backup singers come onstage and start dancing behind Malon as they sing the harmony parts to the song. Malon begins singing to the tune of the "Joy of Pepsi" song, the one that begins with Britney in that jumpsuit with the Pepsi logo on the back of it.)  
  
Malon (Singing): These things, they love nagging! They even hate it when I sing! Fly! They can even fly! And I can tell you why: They're hyper balls of light! Just watch them fly!  
  
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa! The joy of Navi!  
  
Though you may threaten them, They never will shut up..  
  
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa!  
  
The joy of Navi! Oh, how they get on your nerves! They are obsessed with curves! But you can't live without them! Just watch them fly!  
  
Na, na, na, na! Na, na, na, na, naaa-aaa! The joy of Navi!  
  
YEEEEEEEAAAAAH!  
  
(The camera pulls out to reveal a screaming crowd giving our young star a standing ovation and the screen fades out. As it fades back in we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple. She is just about to say something as a group of Hylian Soldiers walk up to Nabooru.)  
  
Nabooru: Excuse me, gentlemen. We're in the middle of filming. Is there something I can help you with?  
  
Hylian Soldier #1: Ms. Nabooru, you are under arrest for alleged insider trading.  
  
Nabooru: WHAAAAAT?!  
  
Hylian Soldier #2: We have it all on tape, ma'am! You sold all your stock in the "Colossus" fanfic right before the price plummeted!  
  
Nabooru: But I..  
  
HS #3: Sorry, ma'am. But our orders are to arrest you and take you into custody. Now please come with us.  
  
Nabooru: NEVER!!!  
  
HS #1: I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. Boys, get out our secret ultimate weapon of doom!  
  
Everybody anywhere near this scene: THE SECRET ULTIMATE WEAPON OF DOOM?!?!? ***GASP!!!***  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
HS #2: Yes, the secret ultimate weapon of doom!  
  
(Dramatic fanfare)  
  
Nabooru: For goodness' sake, stop it with the dramatic fanfares!  
  
Switchboard Guy #1 (who his has his finger on the "dramatic fanfare" button): Aww, man!  
  
HS #2: I got it!  
  
(HS #2 Holds up the secret ultimate weapon of doom: a Deku nut. During this whole time, the entire crew has been sitting around in comfy couches and munching on popcorn, watching the action unfold.)  
  
Nabooru: You couldn't do any better than THAT?!  
  
SBG #2: Yeah, what about a nuclear death ray or something?  
  
Queue Card Guy #1: Yeah, why'd you have to go and be creative?  
  
QCG #2: Looks like we'll have to call up the backup host. Think we should put on today's episode?  
  
SBG #3: Yeah, we might as well.  
  
(SBG #2 Pushes a button on the switchboard and we immediately go to Tribe Tresaid, where Malon, having stolen all the Cheez-e-Puffs, is facing the wrath of Rauru.)  
  
Rauru: WHY DID YOU STEAL ALL THE CHEEZ-E-PUFFS???????  
  
Malon: YOU STOLE MOST OF THEM! I only had my share.  
  
(Malon flips her hair and walks off, leaving Zelda alone with the grouchy Sage of Light. They sit there for a few minutes, and eventually Rauru begins walking off.)  
  
Zelda: Listen, Rauru. I don't know why you've been acting so crappy lately, but it needs to stop. It's like you're in a whole other dimension or something! And frankly, you're bringing me down into the depths of depression right along with you! Okay? Rauru? Rauru?! Wait! Where are you going?  
  
(Rauru has started walking off into the desert, and Zelda follows him. As the camera switches back to the main part of the Tresaid camp, we see Malon walking up carrying a huge thing of Cheez-E-Puffs, and eating more and more as she walks.)  
  
Malon: They call this a LIFETIME SUPPLY? HAH! That was too easy! Huh?  
  
(She stops and looks around at the deserted camp.)  
  
Malon: Zelda? Rauru? Where'd you guys go?  
  
(With that, we go to Solain's camp, where we see Malon's source of Cheez-E- Puffs)  
  
Link (Gobbling down Cheez-E-Puffs as only a hungry Hero of Time can): We may hae lost, but it was SO worth it!  
  
Saria: Maybe to you, but one of us will lose that secret prize tonight!  
  
Impa: Who do you think it will be?  
  
(Slight pause as everyone glances sideways at Ruto, who is feeding Frank most of the Cheez-E-Puffs. How he survives her, I have no clue.)  
  
Link (Simultaneously): I have no clue!  
  
Impa (Simultaneously): It'll sure be close, that's for sure!  
  
Saria (Simultaneously): Well..I..umm..  
  
Ruto (Looking up): What? What is it?  
  
(Suddenly everyone freezes and looks up over Ruto's Head [Except Ruto, of course]. A shadowy figure has appeared right behind the Zora princess.)  
  
Shadowy Figure: Give them to me.  
  
Link: G-g-give w-w-w-w-what????  
  
(Link starts shaking and squeezes a bag of Cheez-E-Puffs so hard it pops, sending artificially flavored cheese snacks flying everywhere.)  
  
Shadowy Figure: You know what I am talking about. Now hand them over.  
  
Saria: Listen here! We won them and you can't take them!  
  
SF: Oh, yes I can. YAAAAAAH! KARATE KICK!!!!  
  
(A figure with flaming red hair leaps out of the shadows and kicks Link right in the face. Link falls down onto the ground rocking back and forth with his head in his hands.)  
  
Link: My face! My beautiful face!  
  
Malon (Catching the huge bag of Cheez-E-Puffs Link dropped): Mission accomplished! Thanks, guys! ^_~\/  
  
(Malon runs off with the Cheez-E-Puffs bag)  
  
(There is a long period of silence as the Solain Tribe members all sit there in shock and confusion at the unexpected junk food theft.)  
  
(The camera switches to Zelda and Rauru, who are still tramping through the desert.)  
  
Zelda: Rauru! Where are you going?  
  
Rauru: Why are you still following me?  
  
Zelda: Because I care!  
  
(Rauru stops.)  
  
Zelda: That's what friends do! They care about each other!  
  
Rauru (Turning around): You care about me?  
  
Zelda: Rauru, you're my friend, even though you may not seem to understand that!"  
  
Rauru: You like me! You really like me!"  
  
(Rauru begins sobbing anime-style, with fountains of tears streaming in high arcs from his eyes as he envelops Zelda in a huge Goron hug.)  
  
Zelda: Rauru--I--can't----breathe!!!  
  
(We go back to Tribe Solain. The members are discussing the Tribal Council.)  
  
Ruto: I don't mind if I go! I have my Frankie now, and that's all that matters!  
  
Saria: Ruto, you realize you can't take Frank with you, right?  
  
Ruto: O_O WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!?  
  
Impa: It's true. The rules say we're not allowed to take anything with us when we leave, except what we brought with us in the first place.  
  
(Link says nothing. He's busy stuffing his face.)  
  
Ruto: No.  
  
Saria: Sorry, Ruto.  
  
Ruto: No.  
  
Impa: I wish we could help.  
  
Ruto: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  
  
(Far across the desert, a flock of those evil crow things [What were they called?] take off in fright at the sudden loud outburst. Back at camp, Ruto is almost hyperventilating.)  
  
Link (Finished, temporarily, with the Cheez-E-Puffs): Ruto, I..  
  
(Ruto stands up and backs up towards the campfire.)  
  
Ruto; Nobody will EVER try to separate us! Or I'll..Or I'll..  
  
Impa: Ruto! Wait!  
  
Saria: Don't do this!!  
  
(Ruto takes a deep breath and looks very scared about something. She barely moves when..)  
  
Link: NOOOOO!  
  
(In slow motion, we see Link dive for Ruto and catch her in his arms, landing rather roughly in the sand.  
  
Ruto: What was that all about? It was like you thought I was committing suicide or something!  
  
Saria: What? You mean you weren't going to try and end it all by jumping into the campfire, resulting in a dramatic twist in the storyline of this fanfic?!  
  
Ruto: No! I was simply going to put it out!  
  
All (Except Ruto): ...oh.  
  
Ruto (Looking at Link): You thought I was going to jump in the fire?  
  
(Link doesn't answer but looks bashfully at the ground.)  
  
Ruto: And you went to all that to save me?!  
  
Link: Well I..You know...it's my job and all, so I----HEY!  
  
(Ruto has jumped on top of Link with a squeal of joy, causing the Hero of Time to topple over and lay there trapped in the sand while the other members of the tribe crack up and try [rather unsuccessfully] to suppress their laughter)  
  
(We see Nabooru's entire [as in we can see her whole body] profile silhouetted against the breathtaking Gerudo Valley sunset. A little line of torches approaches as the Tribe Solain prepares to vote one of their own out of their tribe forever.)  
  
Nabooru: Ok, everyone ready?  
  
Solain: Yes.  
  
Nabooru: Ok. Let's go.  
  
(Nabooru leads the tribe inside the Spirit Temple and up the stairs to the little area with red carpeting. There is one long wooden bench and a comfy- looking gilded throne, set facing each other. Behind the throne [Which is facing the entrance} are set, four on each side, eight torches. On the viewer's left, only three are lit, and on the other side all four are burning brightly. The contestants sit down on the bench while Nabooru is missing. We hear yells from off camera.)  
  
Nabooru: LET GO! LET GO OF ME! I'M INNOCENT, I TELL YOU! INNOCENT! DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Solain: o_o;  
  
(Just when things couldn't get any weirder, they do. Into the temple walks Bombchu guy! Apparently he's the backup host.)  
  
Bombchu Guy: Greetings, unlucky contestants! I'll be your host tonight, so let's get started!  
  
(BG Pushes the throne out of the way and, out of nowhere, produces his usual flying carpet and sits happily on it.)  
  
BG: Now will someone please let me know what's going on?  
  
(All of Solain crashes down Anime-style as a stage hand guy wearing a headset runs out, whispers something in BG's ear, and hands him a little slip of paper. When we look again, the members of Solain have reappeared in their spots on the bench.)  
  
BG: Now, the one who is voted off the show is---  
  
Link: Wait!  
  
BG: What?  
  
Link: Shouldn't you add more drama to it?  
  
Saria: Yeah! Like those old sci-fi suspense movies!  
  
Impa: Or soap operas!  
  
BG: Uh... does anyone have a dramatic fanfare?  
  
SBG #1 (Where do these guys come from? They're everywhere!) : I DO! I DO!!!  
  
BG: Good. Use it.  
  
SBG #1: OK!  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
BG: Uh, Switchboard guy?  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
BG: Uhh...hello?  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
BG: SWITCHBOARD GUY! NOT YET!  
  
SBG: Oh. Sorry. ¬_¬  
  
BG: Thank you. Now, the one who has to leave is...  
  
(Suspensive silence)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
(Suspensive silence)  
  
BG: Ruto. You're outta here.  
  
Ruto: WHAT?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
(Everybody says their good-byes as Ruto is slowly beginning to calm down.)  
  
Ruto: Take care of Frankie, will you?  
  
Impa: Of course we will, dear.  
  
Ruto: Link, thanks for trying to save me.  
  
(Link blushes and looks at the ground.)  
  
Ruto: Saria, I'm sorry for bugging you constantly with Frank. Can you forgive me?  
  
Saria: Of course! Thank you for the apology, though.  
  
(Everyone hugs and waves to each other. Ruto extinguishes her torch using her Sage Powers and exits silently into the same room Darunia went so many chapters ago. We think the episode is over when..)  
  
Saria: Wait a minute! Why are those Hylian Soldiers arresting Nabooru?  
  
HS #1: Alleged insider trading.  
  
Impa: What? What do you mean?  
  
HS #1: It's a known fact that Ms. Nabooru here sold all her stock in the "Colossus" fanfic right before the prices plummeted!  
  
Link: Wait a minute! Isn't, or WASN'T, Nabooru the ONLY owner of stock in this fanfic?  
  
Nabooru: THANK YOU! That's what I've been trying to tell you!  
  
HS #2: Well, can someone prove it?  
  
BG: I can!  
  
(He holds up the little slip of paper)  
  
Impa: Wait, isn't that what the name of the booted member was written on?  
  
BG: Yeah, but look what I just noticed that it's written on the back of a shredded up piece of confidential "Colossus" financial records! Look, it shows that Nabooru was indeed the ONLY owner of stock in the Fanfic!  
  
HS #3: What about Kaori-chan? She's the author, isn't she? She would have to have stock in it!  
  
HS #1: Oh, please! Who needs stock when you have ultimate power at your fingertips?  
  
(A/N: I love computers. One little click and every character is in the palm of your hand! Muahahah.)  
  
Link: You've got a point there.  
  
HS #1: Well, with this proof, we have no choice but to free Ms. Nabooru! Sorry for the inconvenience, Ma'am!  
  
(The Hylian Soldiers let go of Nabooru and leave. As the credits roll and the show's theme song plays, we watch the Solain Tribe members as they walk back to camp. As the music fades out and the credits stop, the screen goes blank and the show ends.) 


	10. The Wrath of Nabooru! ¤ OR ¤ The Ever So...

An Colossus A Fanfic by Kaori-chan  
  
Sorry for deserting you guys! I've been really, *REALLY* occupied, what with marching band and school and the like. But here's the next episode, hot off the keyboard! (Ba-dum-chi!)  
  
Oh, and thanks to my friends Heather and Brad for helping me out with this chapter. You know what you did...  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:  
  
Survivor.  
  
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)  
  
Nabooru: Greetings, and welcome! On today's episode of Colossus, we have some quite unexpected things happening, so hold on tight while we go RIGHT TO THE ACTION! NO COMMERCIAL TODAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!  
  
(The screen fades out [rather quickly] and we see Tribe Solain coping with the loss of Ruto: if "coping" is what you want to call it. And for that matter, "loss" too..)  
  
Link: (stuffing his face)  
  
Impa: (Stuffing her face)  
  
Saria (dancing for joy): I'M FREE! FREE! FREE OF THAT DUMB SNAIL! FRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!  
  
(Saria sits down on a rock, apparently about to pop open a bag of Cheez-E- Puffs, when she notices Frank sitting beside her on the rock.)  
  
Saria: Not you! Go away! Shoo! Don't bother me ever again!  
  
Frank: ...  
  
Saria: Don't make me throw you again!  
  
Frank: ....  
  
Saria: Oh, for Nayru's sake!  
  
(Saria stands up and is about to chuck the poor snail across the horizon, when a single spotlight shows up from nowhere while everything else goes dark.)  
  
Saria: What the---?!?!?  
  
Frank: (Singing Donkey's song from "Shrek" in snail language. The translation appears in subtitles at the bottom of the screen.)  
  
Saria: OH, HOW CUTE! I mean...uh... silly tricks won't fool me! You can't play "cute" with me. I despise snails!  
  
Frank: (Sad snail face)  
  
Saria: ....  
  
Frank: (Puppy-dog eyes, anime-style [You know. Huge and shiny-looking])  
  
Saria: I..uh..  
  
Frank: (Puppy dog eyes)  
  
Saria: I..I..I...I LOVE YOU, FRANK!  
  
(Saria picks Frank up and gives him a huge, Goron-style hug and walks off to get more for her gorgeous gastropod.)  
  
(Tribe Solain...kind of: Zelda is still following Rauru through he desert. Apparently the two have resolved to go back to camp, but can't find the way.)  
  
Zelda: I could have sworn this was the right way!  
  
Rauru: Why'd you have to go and get us lost?  
  
Zelda: ME?!? It was YOUR stupid idea to ask that Guay for directions! (She holds up a very angry-looking red slash across the back of her arm) This is what we got! Directions? No. Help? No! ANY FREAKING IDEA OF WHERE WE ARE? NO! You pick where to go then, genius!  
  
(Rauru is about to answer when he notices a tumbleweed speed by in the foreground.)  
  
Rauru: Did you know those lived here?  
  
Zelda: Absolutely no clue.  
  
(Tribe Tresaid [what's left of it])  
  
Malon: (Singing Epona's Song softly to herself) Doddeedoo....Doodeedoo.. Doodeedoodeedoo..  
  
(We hear a neigh and a very familiar red horse runs up.)  
  
Malon: EPONA?! What are you doing here?! Go on back home! Shoo!  
  
Epona: ...  
  
Malon: You heard me! Go on!  
  
Epona: ...  
  
Malon: Why are you even here?  
  
Epona: ..  
  
Malon: Right. The song.  
  
Epona: ...  
  
Malon: *Sigh* When are those two gonna get back?  
  
Epona: ...  
  
(The winds start to pick up, and almost immediately almost all anybody can see is sand. Here we see all the contestants' reactions.)  
  
Saria: o_______O?  
  
Link: Uh-oh.  
  
Impa: Darn it! I just cleaned the camp!  
  
Malon: This is definitely NOT good.  
  
Epona: ...  
  
Zelda: CRAP!  
  
Rauru: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Nabooru: Uh-oh! Looks like we have a problem! But unfortunately, we can't continue our fine *cough*YEAHRIGHT*coughcough* programming without those precious advertising dollars! So, without further ado, here is our latest benevolent supporter!  
  
(The screen fades into black and as it comes back into focus we see Frank [????] standing against a dark blue backdrop. He [rather slowly] turns his head toward the camera and begins talking in Snail Language. Fortunately, the translation is shown at the bottom of the screen in the form of anime- style subtitles.)  
  
Frank: (Hello! You might be wondering what a snail like me is doing in a television commercial. Well, I'm here to tell you that I have just joined up with the e-business bandwagon!)  
  
Psycho Announcer Voice Thing: Introducing Hyrule Online! Every day, more and more Hylians are getting high-speed cable modems and DSL for less. But why bother with efficiency and speed when you can pay more to get crappy customer service, no satisfaction, and the guaranteed slowest ISP out there?  
  
Frank: (Hyrule Online: So annoying to use, no wonder it's number one *cough*trillionfivehundredthirtythreethousandsevenhundredandtwopointfive*cou ghcough*)  
  
(The screen goes black. As it comes back in we see Tribe Solain gathered around Nabooru. Or we would if it weren't for the blinding sandstorm driving across the desert. Everyone has to shout due to the wind)  
  
Saria: WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?  
  
Nabooru: A SANDSTORM! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?  
  
Link: OF COURSE I CAN! WHAT ELSE CAN I SEE RIGHT NOW?  
  
Nabooru: FORTUATELY, WE ARE PREPARED FOR EMERGENCY SITUATIONS LIKE THIS. EVERYBODY PLEASE STAND CLOSE TOGETHER!  
  
(The group huddles up even more [even though we can only see flying sand] and Nabooru instantly warps them to safety. Next we see [you know what I mean] Nabooru talking to Malon. Or is that shouting?)  
  
Nabooru: WHERE ARE RAURU AND ZELDA?  
  
Malon: I HAVE NO CLUE! YOU SHOULD KNOW IF YOU'RE THE HOST, SHOULDN'T YOU?  
  
Nabooru: HEY! I'M NOT ALL-KNOWING, OKAY?  
  
(With that, Nabooru warps Malon to safety. We now go to the Statue Room in the Spirit Temple [You know, the one with the statue you melt the face off of. Only the face is there today.], where we can actually SEE what's going on. Tribe Solain and Malon are gathered in the middle of the room around Nabooru. Against one wall is stacked everything from both camps.)  
  
Malon: What's going on here?  
  
Saria: Is Frank ok? Where is he?  
  
Impa: Is she okay?  
  
Link: Maybe she hit her head.  
  
Nabooru: Quiet! Now, you may all be wondering why I brought you all here---  
  
Link: Nope!  
  
Impa: Not really.  
  
Malon: Uh-uh.  
  
Nabooru: Well, fine! But for the sake of the readers---  
  
Saria: But they know what's going on, too!  
  
Nabooru: All right, already! For the sake of hearing myself talk, I'm going to say it! For the safety of our cast and crew, the show will be held in this room in the Spirit Temple for the remainder of this sandstorm.  
  
All contestants and crew: WHAAAAAAAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD US THAT!  
  
Nabooru: Oh, for Din's sake! WOULD YOU ALL SHUT UP?!  
  
Everyone else in the room: Meep! Okay!  
  
Nabooru: Unfortunately, we have had no word from two of our contestants: Rauru and Zelda are nowhere to be found.  
  
(This gets some surprising results. A very grey-faced Impa sits down on the floor, Malon looks like she's about to faint, and Saria is running like a maniac about the room.)  
  
Saria: OMIGOSH! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? WE HAVE TO SOMETHING BUT WHAT CAN WE DO OMIGOSH I'M SCARED I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENEING SOMEBODY HEEELLLLP!!!  
  
Malon: Ack! You're making it worse! Stop yelling! Stop yelling!  
  
Impa: ..gone...  
  
Saria: HELP!  
  
Malon: Stop yelling!  
  
Impa: I can't believe it.  
  
Saria: DO SOMETHING!  
  
Malon: Stop yelling!  
  
Impa: We have to rescue them!  
  
Saria: That's what I've been saying! Let's go!  
  
Malon: Hey, has anyone seen Link?  
  
(Sure enough, the Hero of Time is gone. Everyone seems confused and starts yelling even more.)  
  
Nabooru: WILL YOU ALL SHUT UP?!?!?  
  
All: EEP!  
  
Nabooru: Thank you.  
  
(Nabooru turns toward the camera while the contestants resume yelling at each other in the background.)  
  
Nabooru: Unfortunately, we are out of time for this episode. What will happen next time? Where is Link? And will everyone EVER stop yelling? Find out next time on Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure! 


	11. The Master of Ingenuity! ¤OR¤ How Big IS...

Colossus A Fanfic by Kaori-chan  
  
I guess I have a lot to answer for, don't I? Gomen nasai for not updating sooner! I hope all you readers are still out there! Well, if you are, thanks! And here's the next installment in Colossus: The Hylian Survival Adventure!  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:  
  
Survivor.  
  
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru standing on the steps of the Spirit Temple.)  
  
Nabooru: Greetings everyone, and welcome to today's episode! Last time we checked in on our contestants, unchecked madness and chaos reigned supreme. Where did Link go? Will anyone stop yelling? And since when HAVE those tumbleweeds lived in the Desert Colossus? Hold on tight, and we'll see the answer: right after this commercial break!  
  
(The screen fades out, but not the sound. It seems the ever so blunderful tech crew has lost the film reel, tape, DVD, and queue cards for today's commercial. Which allows us to hear a very suspicious event..)  
  
Voice of Nabooru: What do you want? .. No, it's gone on far enough. .. Wait a minute.. No... Don't come any closer! Stay-Stay back! What are you----? UNNH!!  
  
(With that we hear a large "THUD", and the sound cuts off. We go first to the Spirit Temple, where the two tribes are getting to know each other.)  
  
Impa: So you're the last of Tresaid, right?  
  
Malon: Don't say that! It's only until Rauru and Zelda come back!  
  
Saria: I dunno. It seems awfully bleak if you ask me. Right, Frank?  
  
Impa: Just what is your problem?  
  
Saria: Whatever do you mean?  
  
Impa: I thought you hated that snail! Now you're drooling all over the thing!  
  
Saria: Is it my fault he's just so wonderfully cute and perfect in every way?  
  
Impa: Yes.  
  
Malon: (Sweatdrops) Excuse me, but I think we have more important things to discuss here.  
  
Saria: Like what? What's going to happen to the three contestants lost in the desert?  
  
Impa and Malon: YES!!!  
  
(The screen fades out and fades back in on a dark blur of sand, with a darker blur moving through it. When the figure speaks, we recognize it as Link.)  
  
Voice of Link: We now join our marvelous and handsome hero Link, as he journeys through sand, wind and unfathomable peril to rescue yet another princess and yet another grouchy guy who really didn't want to be rescued in the first place! It may look bleak, but NOTHING is impossible for LINK! THE UNDISPUTED HERO OF TIME AND CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!  
  
(Dramatic Fanfare)  
  
Link: Huh? Where'd that come from? Hey, the wind's dying down!  
  
(And as we can see, it is. But the sight that meets our eyes isn't pretty. A vast garbage dump stretches far across the Desert Colossus [A/N: The Colossus is much bigger than it was in the game], and on top of it is a familiar face. Well, three, actually.)  
  
Link: Zelda! Rauru! GANON?!?!?  
  
Zelda: Link! Help--- Oh, forget it. You know the drill.  
  
Rauru: Go away! I don't want to be rescued! I can handle this own my own!  
  
(I guess Link was right. Unfortunately, Rauru is wrong. Ganon has them imprisoned inside some old tires, and Zelda's shoelaces are tied together. Cheez-E-Puffs bags are littered everywhere.)  
  
Link: GANON! Why you.. you. YOU LITTERER!  
  
Ganon: You fool! There's nothing you can do to stop me from kidnapping your friends and spreading my evil mess of Cheez-E-Puffs bags over the ENTIRE DESERT COLOSSUS! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
Link: Uhmm.. Excuse me?  
  
Ganon: What now? Can't you see I was in the middle of an evil cackle?  
  
Link: Yeah, but you already did all that! So, technically, you're right. I can't stop you, because I can't go back in time!  
  
Zelda: Just what in Din's name do you think you're doing? Admitting defeat like that! Honestly! So much for undisputed champion of the world!  
  
Link: HEY! That's The Undisputed Hero of Time AND Champion of the World!  
  
(Dramatic fanfare)  
  
Link: Where the heck do those keep coming from?  
  
(In the background, one of the omnipresent Switchboard Guys snickers evilly and creeps off camera)  
  
Link: *AHEM!* ANYWAYS, I can't stop you, but I CAN undo your evil deeds! PREPARE TO DIE, SUCKAH!!!!  
  
Ganon: And what makes you think you can? You don't have the Master Sword with you!  
  
Link: D'OH!  
  
Zelda: D'OH!  
  
Rauru: D'OH! I forgot to turn off my Game Boy!  
  
Link, Zelda and Ganon: o_________O?!?!?  
  
Ganon: Like I was saying, you can't stop me without your precious Master Sword! And you can't warp to it or you'll be automatically kicked off the show! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!  
  
Link: You're wrong, Ganon!  
  
Ganon: Darn it, Link! What did I tell you about interrupting my evil cackling?!?  
  
Link: I can stop you!  
  
Ganon: And why is that?  
  
Link: Because! I have the.the..the..  
  
(Link glances around nervously and picks up a discarded one-liter plastic bottle, formerly filled with Coca Cola)  
  
Link: AHA! I have the MASTER COKE BOTTLE!!!!  
  
(Dramatic fanfare)  
  
All: *GAAAASP* THE MASTER COKE BOTTLE?!  
  
Link: Yes! The Master Coke Bottle! With the power of leftover caffeine and sugar, I can easily defeat the junk food junkie, Ganon!  
  
(Upon saying this, Link jumps up the garbage heap, Coke bottle raised, and proceeds with thwacking Ganon on the head with it.)  
  
Ganon: OW! OWWIE!!!! OWOWOWOWOWOWWWWWWWW!!!!  
  
Link: YAH! No one can stand up to the tranquilizing power of too much sugar!  
  
Zelda: He's right! Look!  
  
(Sure enough, something looks seriously wrong with Ganon. He begins twitching uncontrollably in a manner that looks very uncomfortable.)  
  
Ganon: S-S-S-S-S-Sugar-sugar r-r-r-rush-sh-sh-sh-sh!!! Oooohhhh.  
  
(Everyone knows what happens after a sugar rush. Ganon falls down, so lethargic he can't move. Unable to summon the energy to remain here, Ganon fades away: back to his prison in the Sacred Realm. The garbage dump fades away and Nabooru materializes in midair, while the former captives fall onto the ground due to the absence of something to sit on.)  
  
Zelda and Rauru: OUCH!  
  
Nabooru: Well done, Hero of Time!  
  
Link: Excuse me! That's Undisputed Hero of Time AND Champion of the World!  
  
(Dramatic fanfare)  
  
Nabooru: *Eyeroll* Riiiiiiiiiiiiight. Anyways, thanks for clearing that whole mess up for me! I was in big trouble before you came up with that Master Coke Bottle idea!  
  
Zelda: What do you mean?  
  
Nabooru: Well, you see...  
  
(Continued in Next Chapter) 


	12. Episode 12: The Explanation! ¤OR¤ The In...

Colossus A Fanfic by Kaori-chan! Oi..you know the drill.  
  
*Runs in, panicked and breathing heavily* Oi, you guys, I am so sorry! Time just got away from me! I promise I'll work harder and hopefully this won't happen again. But I guess I can't just go on rambling like this, so without any more months of waiting, here's the next episode!  
  
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤  
  
(We see the usual opening: Gerudo guards patrolling the maze of clay structure that is their hideout, with a stunning sunset stretching its fingers across the valley. There is a silhouette atop the highest of these buildings. We hear a female voice speaking, presumably the owner of the silhouette.)  
  
Female Voice: We have been here for years. We survive in the desert where no one else can. But all things must change, like the setting of the sun and the rising of the moon. For the first time in Gerudo history, outsiders will pass the haunted wastelands and into the Desert Colossus to participate in a contest of wit, endurance, and skills. But this is no adventure. It is a competition. A game. And only the last to leave can truly call themself:  
  
Survivor.  
  
(Eerie music starts, kind of like a remix of the Gerudo Valley song and the Gerudo's Hideout song with some ocarina playing mixed in. We see a shot of the Desert Colossus, with two different camps: one on each side, but equidistant from the Desert Oasis: now dancing in clear, crystalline water. The song ends, and we see Nabooru, Link, Zelda, and Rauru gathered at the former site of Ganon's trash heap. Nabooru is talking on her new cell phone while Link is attempting to use the Master Coke Bottle to slash the tires imprisoning the two sages, but it obviously isn't working very well.)  
  
Zelda: Uhh..Link.  
  
Link: Not now! I'll get you free soon! (He continues his attempts to cut rubber with cheap plastic.)  
  
Zelda: Link..  
  
Link: Hold on a sec! Now hold reeeeeeally still...I think I've almost got it! (He brings the sword up over his head, takes a deep breath, brings it down as hard as he can..and misses. He has, however, succeeded in landing a nasty blow to Zelda's head.)  
  
Zelda: OW! LINK!  
  
Link: WHAT?  
  
Zelda: Listen, I don't think this is working.  
  
Link. You're right. Hmm.  
  
Rauru (who is mysteriously free of his tire): Here, let me help! (He walks over and slips the tire over Zelda's head, freeing the somewhat ticked off princess.)  
  
Link and Zelda: ..  
  
Zelda: What the---?  
  
Rauru: You youngsters are dumber than I thought! All you had to do was stand up and take the thing off yourself!  
  
Link: You could have said something. Now I'm all sore from swinging that bottle around?  
  
Zelda: YOU'RE sore?! What about my HEAD?!?  
  
Link: Uhh..  
  
Zelda: Wait, we're getting off topic here. Rauru, why in Hyrule didn't you free us after Ganon caught us?  
  
Rauru: I didn't feel like it.  
  
(Link and Zelda crash down anime-style as Nabooru gets a little overexcited on her phone call.)  
  
Nabooru (shouting into the phone): WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T DELIVER IT TO THE TEMPLE?!? HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO---  
  
(Incomprehensible mumbling is heard on the other end of the call.)  
  
Nabooru: Listen, I don't care if you have to hire the goddesses themselves to get it here! You guys are the only real reliable news source out there! I refuse to be isolated while slaving away at this stupid TV show!  
  
Zelda: Hyrule Times?  
  
Rauru: Tabloids. Her room in the Light Temple is chock full of them. She's been sleeping in Impa's room ever since the bed broke under the weight of all the darned things!  
  
(We go now to the Spirit Temple, where the remaining contestants are trying to amuse themselves until Nabooru comes back. Saria is laying in the middle of the room playing with Frank, Malon is composing a new song in the corner, and Impa is testing the reflexes of the flying pots, except they're not the flying ones, just ones that she's picking up and throwing across the room out of sheer boredom. Epona is being Epona, as always. From here we go back to the Desert, where we see that Nabooru has finished her phone call.)  
  
Nabooru: Well now, I suppose I need to explain what just happened here.  
  
Zelda, Link, Rauru, and every other crew member around: YOU THINK?!?  
  
Nabooru: Okay, okay! Well, here's the way it works. It's too complicated for me to explain, so here's a little instructional video for you guys to watch. LIGHTS!  
  
(Nabooru claps her hands and at once the screen blacks out and cheesy music starts up. We see what looks like a poorly animated NES-style movie, with chibi versions of everyone involved acting out the story as a stereotypical instructional movie voice tells the story.)  
  
Stereotypical Instructional Movie Voice: You all may be wondering why all this happened..  
  
Everyone except Nabooru: Well, duh!  
  
SIMV: ...so the under worked Queue Card Guys, Switchboard Guys, and Camera Guys created this video to explain just what's going on here! You see, after the stock incident.  
  
(the video shows Chibi Nabooru talking on a cell phone, a giant red arrow like on the financial reports pointing downwards, then Chibi Hylian Soldiers arresting and releasing a very angry Chibi Nabooru)  
  
SIMV: ..the show was almost completely broke!  
  
(now we see Chibi Nabooru shrugging as she pulls out empty (and huge) pockets from those gigantic pockets of hers)  
  
SIMV: It was then that a mysterious businessman proposed a deal:  
  
(we see what looks suspiciously like Chibi Ganon in a suit approaching a broke and frustrated Chibi Nabooru)  
  
SIMV: If we would allow his company to dispose of their waste products, he would completely pay for our entire show! Of course, Nabooru was very excited and immediately agreed.  
  
(Chibi Ganon shakes hands with Chibi Nabooru, who then jumps up and down and screams, holding the hand Chibi Ganon broke with his grip)  
  
SIMV: It was then that the sandstorm was created to hide the mess the garbage dump had made.  
  
(we see a giant sandstorm, and Chibi Nabooru warping the contestants [and Epona] to the inside of the Spirit Temple)  
  
SIMV: Shortly afterwards, Nabooru realized that she had had a mistake.  
  
(Chibi Nabooru gasps and runs frantically in circles)  
  
SIMV: ...and tried to break the deal.  
  
(Chibi Nabooru stamps her foot, crosses her arms, and shakes her head. A word bubble appears with the words "No more!" inside.)  
  
SIMV: This so-called businessman got mad, so he kidnapped Nabooru.  
  
(Chibi Suit-clad Ganon thwacks Chibi Nabooru on the head, who immediately passes out)  
  
SIMV: Then Zelda and Rauru found the trash dump, and the businessman, who turned out to be Ganon in a Suit, was forced to capture them.  
  
(Chibi Zelda and Chibi Rauru walk up to the trash dump, where Chibi Ganon captures them in the oh-so-stubborn old tires.)  
  
SIMV: Then Link went to find them, and discovered Ganon's hideaway. You know the rest of the story.  
  
(Chibi Link thwacks Chibi Ganon with the Master Coke Bottle, the trash dump disappears, and the words "THE END" flash across the screen. With that, we go to the Spirit Temple, where we see the reactions of the contestants who have apparently just been forced to watch the lamest movie in Hyrule for no apparent reason.)  
  
Malon: What in the WORLD was THAT?  
  
Epona: ..  
  
Saria: I haven't the slightest idea.  
  
Impa: Wait a second...you guys, I think this is why the sandstorm came up out of nowhere!  
  
Saria: Hey, yeah! That does make sense!  
  
Malon: And here I thought it was because of the tumbleweeds.  
  
Impa: What would the tumbleweeds have to do with anything?  
  
Malon: They could have thrown off the ecosystem, resulting in mass earthquakes, famines, SANDSTORMS, and other hideously violent natural disasters! As well as a shortage of Cheez-E-Puffs.  
  
Impa and Saria: ...  
  
Frank: ..  
  
Epona: ..  
  
(Back to the Desert!)  
  
Nabooru: So, you see, that's what happened.  
  
Link: YOU SOLD OUR SHOW?  
  
Nabooru: Of course not! I just sold the Desert.  
  
(Out of nowhere, a giant group of Gerudo appears and begins shouting at Nabooru.)  
  
Gerudo: YOU SOLD OUR DESERT?!?  
  
Nabooru: Of course not! What really happened was..  
  
Gerudo #1: ..was?  
  
Gerudo #2: Yeah, what happened?  
  
Nabooru: I rented it out for the sake of a highly commercialized and political TV show that would soon be replaced by thousands of other TV shows exactly like it.  
  
(Everyone except Nabooru crashes down anime style. Nabooru steps over the pile of crashed-down people and addresses the audience.)  
  
Nabooru: There you have it, folks! The real explanation as to why we've forced the contestants to undergo confusion, relocation, and injury: CASH, BABY! That's all we have for today's show, so be sure to tune in next time when we can hopefully restore what little structure this show ever had! See ya!  
  
(Nabooru returns to face the group of now-recovered people, who are all shouting at each other and Nabooru, who is trying to settle things down. The camera slowly zooms out as the Colossus theme song plays, the credits roll, and the show ends.) 


End file.
